Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Ava Grace

Sorry for not writing in so long.  How do I explain it without seeming heartless... I still think about Annalise all the time - constantly.  But, I have found that if I spend too much of my time dwelling on the pain of the loss that it's impossible to experience the joys of this new baby.  Trust me, I'm not "replacing" our girl with thoughts of this new little one... I think about both my girls constantly.  I just know, if I keep revisiting the pain, I will never be truly happy.

Ava Grace is what we named our new little one.  Friday May 11th makes 27 weeks along.  There are so many emotions going into this pregnancy... fear, joy, nervousness, anxiety, worry, anticipation.  It's been a crazy roller-coaster of happiness and fear.  I know for both James and I there are times that we are still holding our hopes and joy back because a little voice still comes into our heads saying, "Don't get too excited, it's not over yet... she could die too."  This is awful, I know, but I'm just being real - this feeling comes almost daily.  Then there are the times when Ava is just kicking around like crazy in there and my whole world stops for just a moment and I feel relieved, happy, hopeful and blissfully grateful.  Truly though, there is nothing to worry about because the doctors have given us perfect reports and the pregnancy is going along very smoothly (aside from some leg and back pain).

Just this weekend, I was working on preparing the nursery.  There was a large cardboard box in the closet filled with stuffed animals, toys clothes and blankets originally given to Annalise.  I was trying to decide what to give to Ava and what to put in a keepsake box.  Of course this brought the emotions and I just sat in the nursery closet and sobbed.  James heard me crying and came to comfort me... then we both just sobbed for a bit.  We miss our girl - that will never change.  I just pray that God can give me the strength not to dwell on the pain - and not to feel guilt for not dwelling on the pain.  I pray that I can be a happy and whole person for Ava.  I pray, with God's grace, I can be a good mother to her.