tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85436082326737390072024-02-07T16:11:40.481-08:00Annalise Lilly... Our Precious MiraclePregnant with our first baby, a sweet little girl, doctors have diagnosed her with Trisomy 13 - a fatal genetic abnormality. They say there is a 90% chance she will die in utero, but we are not terminating the pregnancy. We are giving her a fighting chance, praying every day... This is the story of our journey.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-73408146042786405992015-08-19T19:24:00.001-07:002015-08-19T20:16:02.807-07:00Persevere sweet momma... persevere. Four years. I can't believe it's been four years. Annalise stays with me always. Sometimes I see an amazing sunrise or sunset here in Hawaii, then I think of her and smile. Sometimes while playing in the park with Ava a butterfly will fly circles around us, then I think of her and smile. Then some days I am just folding laundry or doing dishes and it hits me like a sucker punch in the gut. I have to winch before the tears come uncontrollably. Memories of my mom dressing her first grand baby in the outfit she will be buried in. The realization that she would be a spunky four year old, running circles around me right now. I weep for all that was lost. <br />
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In these last four years James and I have been through highs and lows. We have had revelations and victories in our personal lives and in our marriage. We have matured... emotionally and spiritually like never before. I have come to realize that all of this is because of our perseverance in the face of pain.<br />
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I read a bible verse two nights ago that hit me like a freight train. I've read this verse before, but never has it struck such a chord of realization. Two nights ago I realized why I feel stronger today, why our marriage has grown, why I'm a better mom and a better, wiser person. It's because of this verse:<br />
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<i>James 1:2-4</i><br />
<i>Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. </i><br />
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Losing Annalise was undoubtedly the biggest trial of my life and tested my faith more than anything imaginable. But I had a choice. I could let this trial destroy me or I could persevere!!! I'd like to think of myself as a fighter and that's what I've been doing... FIGHTING! It's exhausting, but I've been fighting these last four years to be better, not bitter. <br />
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I never realized that this verse applied to me until two nights ago. Then it just clicked as to why I feel stronger, more mature, more aware of myself and more confident than ever. My perseverance is producing maturity and a sense of completeness in me. How on earth could completeness have been born out of something that shattered my heart and my life into a million pieces?! I don't know. But I know God is good and he put me back together better than I was before, without me even realizing he was doing it.<br />
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Thank you God.<br />
Thank you Annalise.<br />
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To all those mommas out there that are at the beginning of this journey. I hope I can encourage you with these words. I know you feel like your heart is shattered right now but I want you to FIGHT momma! Persevere toward a brighter day. I know that my daughter is smiling on her momma today because I did not quit when I felt like that black hole would just suck me down. I fought for my family and I fought for myself. <br />
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<i>Remembering and honoring our sweet girl who was stillborn at 26 weeks. </i></div>
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<br />Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-41723340883432405822014-04-11T01:38:00.000-07:002014-04-11T01:38:07.929-07:00New Paths Wow. 2014. Time has just flown by. So much has happened in our lives since I last wrote to you all. Well, we are enjoying Ava - our energetic and persistent 20 month old who's current favorite word is "no". We moved from Ohio to Hawaii! We are LOVING life here in what is undoubtedly the most beautiful place on earth! I have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, enjoying every day in the sunshine with my girl.<br />
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I have seen God's hand in every step of our journey here to Hawaii. It was a big faith leap to sell almost everything we owned and move half way across the world - so very far from our families - but it was truly the most freeing and currently the most healing process I've ever been through. It would take me a while to share all the ways God has been tearing down the walls I have built up in my life, but it is happening. I am learning things I never knew about myself and finding strength and courage I never dreamed I had. Every day is a struggle of the choices: the choice to have a good attitude, the choice to love instead of harbor anger, the choice to be kind, the choice to give more of myself, to step outside my comfort zone... There are so many decisions that can lead us down the right path or the wrong path. Our road to joy and peace is just an active accumulation of conscientious decisions. Take ownership of your path. That is what I am now doing.<br />
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I come back here now - to Annalise's blog - because my heart has been heavy recently. Even though I have moved so far away from the place we lost Annalise and where we laid her to rest, she has still followed me. She is here with us on this beautiful island and deep in my heart. I see her every day in things - especially in Ava. When Ava sleeps, I see that she shares the same facial profile with her sister. Annalise's story has recently given me the opportunity to connect with another young mom, here in Hawaii, who's baby has been also been diagnosed with Trisomy 13. I cannot even tell you how much I wish we were the last family that ever had to suffer from this diagnosis. I physically hurt and emotionally am taken right back to the middle of my own circumstances when I hear another family has been given this diagnosis. Why?! Why?!<br />
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However, Annalise is there. I know that because of her, I have the ability and opportunity to relate and maybe even help these families a little. If I could encourage any mom who has been given the news that their little one in their womb has Trisomy 13, this is what I would say....<br />
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I know that most days you feel as though you are drowning in a sea of fear, uncertainty, sorrow and pain. I know that most days you question, "How am I going to be able to get though this?" I know that it feels like God has forgotten you. I want to tell you that there are so many out there who care about you and know what you are feeling. Women who have walked the path you are walking right now. You are not alone. Unfortunately, this will be the most difficult thing you may ever have to do, but you will get through it. You will soak in every second with your little one and those memories will eternally become a part of you... They will never leave. You will be stronger on the other side of this than you ever dreamed possible - and you will have your little one to thank for that. I can tell you that I know that I will never be the same... In a good way. Losing my girl to trisomy 13, set me on a path to more self-discovery than I ever dreamed I would experience. I'm still on that path. I can truly say that I am happy. I have joy. I have peace. And I know there is so much more to come.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-617552758786008392012-10-12T13:56:00.001-07:002012-10-12T15:15:41.408-07:00AbortionI want to take a moment to use this platform to express some recent thoughts and feelings that I've had about abortions. Seeing as a little over a year ago I was given the advice to abort Annalise when finding out about her "terminal diagnosis" at 20 weeks gestation I feel as though I've earned a minute to express my feelings on the topic.<br />
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With elections so near it seems like I hear about pro-life vs/ pro-choice every day - there is always something in my FaceBook news feeds about it or a campaign commercial on it. I just finished watching the movie "OctoberBaby" (which I cried pretty much the whole way through) about girl who survived a failed abortion and went on to find her birth mother. <br />
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My stance has never been so strongly against abortions as it is now that I have experienced the loss of a baby against my own choices. I was reading back over my first few entries on this blog and it's so difficult to remember those days filled with such overwhelming pain and horrendous choices. I vividly remember sitting on the couch in the doctor's office when she asked James and me if we wanted to have an abortion. I remember her strongly advising an abortion because "the fetus" had a 90% chance of dying in utero. And I vividly remember feeling so offended that she would even dream such a thing could be a choice! A "fetus" is a human - and this fetus was my human! She was my first born baby and no matter how many cards were stacked against her, I was choosing to let this situation play out naturally, hoping and praying for the best. I distinctly remember a voice screaming at the top of its lungs in my head over and over again saying: "I AM NOT GOING TO MURDER MY CHILD!" There are arguments for pro-choice such as my situation: the fetus will not survive because of a genetic abnormality. Then there are arguments about the mother being raped; it's her body/her choice; mother is not prepared to care for a baby at such a young age... no matter the argument, the outcome of an abortion is still a murdered baby. I also believe if I would have chosen to abort my baby that day, the emotional and spiritual baggage and consequences would have followed me and crippled me for the rest of my life. If I would have chose to abort Annalise, this blog would not exist and I would not have had the opportunities to reach so many of you. I have even had one reader tell me that my story stopped her from having an abortion, because she saw how completely I loved my unborn baby, how deeply the loss hurt me, and how strong I remained because of my faith. Now that I have Ava, this unbelievable miracle, I can't fathom ever hurting such a precious and perfect little baby.<br />
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I have also met a lot of women through this experience who for some physical reason, are not able to have their own children and would give anything to adopt an unwanted baby. There are good, amazing families out there who are desperate to adopt, and mothers are just killing babies by choice, instead of giving that child an opportunity to live. I would give my own life to give Annalise the opportunity to live a full and healthy life. My own life...<br />
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I am going to share a photo of Annalise on this post. The first photo I have ever shared publicly. I just want to show the world that at 25 weeks gestation, that little life is as human and complete as you and me. <br />
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<br />Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-76357467135258977842012-08-19T18:52:00.001-07:002012-08-19T18:53:19.109-07:001 yearMy sweet Annalise,<br />
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I can't believe that it has been 1 year since I held you. This last year has been so crazy. It has been filled with pain, sorrow, anger, hatred, love, joy, anticipation, anxiety, fear... it has been exhausting. I have thought of you every day and have missed you tremendously. Thank you for the special moments when I just know that you are smiling at me from heaven and sending a little "hello" my way - moments such as hearing "our song" on the radio when I'm really feeling down and missing you. <br />
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This year has also brought us your sister - Ava. Having all these first moments with Ava just makes me think of you even more and reinforces the pain of losing you. I never knew until now the depths of what I was forfeiting when I lost you. I look at your sister and I see you. You two really look alike and I can't help but wonder if your personalities would have been similar. I thank God I will have you BOTH one day... what a blessing.<br />
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Daddy and I visited your "resting place" today and dressed it all up for your 1 year birthday - balloons and flowers. I know you are having the most amazing celebration in heaven. A celebration that can't compare to anything here on earth and I am grateful for that. <br />
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Happy Birthday sweetheart.<br />
I love you with my whole heart...<br />
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Love,<br />
MommyMirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-75481501846137249822012-05-10T05:53:00.000-07:002012-05-10T05:55:25.363-07:00Ava GraceSorry for not writing in so long. How do I explain it without seeming heartless... I still think about Annalise all the time - constantly. But, I have found that if I spend too much of my time dwelling on the pain of the loss that it's impossible to experience the joys of this new baby. Trust me, I'm not "replacing" our girl with thoughts of this new little one... I think about both my girls constantly. I just know, if I keep revisiting the pain, I will never be truly happy. <br />
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Ava Grace is what we named our new little one. Friday May 11th makes 27 weeks along. There are so many emotions going into this pregnancy... fear, joy, nervousness, anxiety, worry, anticipation. It's been a crazy roller-coaster of happiness and fear. I know for both James and I there are times that we are still holding our hopes and joy back because a little voice still comes into our heads saying, "Don't get too excited, it's not over yet... she could die too." This is awful, I know, but I'm just being real - this feeling comes almost daily. Then there are the times when Ava is just kicking around like crazy in there and my whole world stops for just a moment and I feel relieved, happy, hopeful and blissfully grateful. Truly though, there is nothing to worry about because the doctors have given us perfect reports and the pregnancy is going along very smoothly (aside from some leg and back pain). <br />
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Just this weekend, I was working on preparing the nursery. There was a large cardboard box in the closet filled with stuffed animals, toys clothes and blankets originally given to Annalise. I was trying to decide what to give to Ava and what to put in a keepsake box. Of course this brought the emotions and I just sat in the nursery closet and sobbed. James heard me crying and came to comfort me... then we both just sobbed for a bit. We miss our girl - that will never change. I just pray that God can give me the strength not to dwell on the pain - and not to feel guilt for not dwelling on the pain. I pray that I can be a happy and whole person for Ava. I pray, with God's grace, I can be a good mother to her.<br />
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<br />Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-81964453461326646602012-02-28T17:58:00.001-08:002012-02-28T18:02:13.098-08:006 monthsI can't believe it's been over 6 months since we said goodbye to our little angel. Don't think that because I've been quiet on here that I've not thought about my daughter every single day since the day I delivered her. Having this new life growing inside of me only makes the thoughts of Annalise more frequent and more real. I visited her grave yesterday and spent some time crying over how unfair it is that our first born is buried in the ground. Don't get me wrong, I cling to the knowledge that she is whole and healed in heaven - it's what gets me through every day. But there's a side of me that is angry, hurt, and so envious of those that can hold their newborns - alive. There is no pain more profound than the pain of holding your dead child. It's unexplainable. <br />
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I keep thinking to myself that I am going to be the biggest sobbing mess on the day that this baby is born - alive and healthy - when I can feel his/her life in my arms. I was robbed of that with Annalise and I pray that this coming birth will bring continued healing for James and me both. <br />
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Many days, I still feel lost. Miranda is still here, but I feel like all the vibrance I once had has dimmed a little. Maybe it's maturity setting in (haha), or more likely it's just me still healing and still grieving. Daily I feel like something is missing. Annalise's death left an actual hole in my life... I feel it all the time. It's such a strong feeling, I swear it has a life of it's own. I keep feeling like I need to fill that void with something meaningful - such as writing a book, or starting a foundation... something that would honor and immortalize her memory. I keep praying and searching for what this is. I feel like I'm going crazy not knowing what it could be. I hope I find it soon. I know one thing for certain and that is I need to fill my life with deeper, more meaningful things all around, because after experiencing what I did some of the normal, regular, frivolous things I used to "enjoy" don't hold the same attraction they used to.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-89205125297132876802012-01-31T06:23:00.000-08:002012-01-31T06:23:58.561-08:00A Sibling for AnnaliseWe are so happy to announce that we are pregnant again! I am 12 weeks along and so far, everything seems to be going well. There's not much the doctors can tell this early on, so the next couple of months will hold the critical answers we are waiting for. We have decided not to do any early genetic testing - we are just waiting, and trusting God, that all will be well at our 20 week ultrasound. <br />
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This pregnancy has been certainly emotionally taxing and faith testing so far. We have fears. I am terrified. I have spent countless hours in prayer begging for peace, faith and that all will be perfect this time. I thank God for this little one and find myself feeling guilty at times for allowing the fear to steal my joy for this pregnancy. It's a daily struggle right now. We find ourselves trying not to get too excited with the thought in our heads that if we let ourselves get too high on emotions, it will just be that much larger of a heartache when it doesn't work out again. I hate this. I hate that our only knowledge of pregnancy and childbirth is such a traumatic one. <br />
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with us every step of the way with Annalise. She is such a treasured gift and I am so happy that she is my first child - I will never forget every moment of all my firsts with her (whether they be good or bad). Please continue to pray for us that we can have peace and joy in this pregnancy and for a happy, healthy baby. <br />
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I wanted to share a verse from my devotions this morning. For some reason, through the loss of Annalise and every day afterward, this particular devotional has spoken EXACTLY what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it... it's great. John 14:27 <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> "</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">When I'm desperately searching for peace right now, and full of fear, God speaks a huge reminder into my life. I know, no matter what, that everything will be okay. </span>Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-70446942592833828602011-12-31T18:07:00.000-08:002011-12-31T18:45:29.770-08:00A New YearThis year has been the most difficult year I have ever experienced. Reflecting on all that has happened is completely ripping me apart tonight. It was difficult to spend Christmas without our little one, when I had pictured her with us so often throughout the pregnancy. It's difficult to try to wrap my mind around our loss and our emptiness. And tonight, it is difficult to leave a year filled with the pure joy of expectation of Annalise and the simultaneous extreme pain of loss of Annalise.<br />
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The last few weeks I have had moments of pouring out my heart and sobbing for Annalise... just missing her and wishing she were here. The realization that I will forever have this break in my heart is daunting. I was thinking about how the loss of my father (when he left us - then when he died) left and huge, damaging hole in my life. And here I am again, with an even larger hole left when my little girl died. Life is difficult. And I know that the difficulties will never cease in this lifetime. I hold tightly to the knowledge that I will see my little one again, one day, when I leave this world. <br />
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My sweet Annalise. Mommy and daddy miss you more than anything. My heart is so deeply broken without you here. I think about you every, single day. I am so sorry that we didn't have more time with you. I ache for the memories we could have made. I pray that you are blissfully content where you are and you know how I deeply and entirely I love you. I wish you were here to start a new year with us, but I hope you will see nothing but happiness fill our lives in 2012.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-32203443925986588202011-12-01T18:55:00.000-08:002011-12-01T18:55:54.477-08:00November 28thAnnalise's given due date was November 28th 2011. James and I spent that day and several days before in Key West, FL - complimentary of our amazing families. I dreaded seeing November 28th come around. I envisioned myself in the deepest darkest despair for days... weeks even. However, I found myself in very different circumstances. Monday, November 28th - I awoke peacefully with 2 thoughts on my mind: how was I going to honor Annalise today and many prayers for my friend Meghan who was delivering her daughter (diagnosed with Trisomy 13) that day. I spent most of the day in the sun, laying by the pool - in awe of the clear blue sky and coconut trees swaying above me in the breeze. I spent much of the day reflecting on where this entire situation has brought us. We are different people in so many ways. Our love and respect for each other is undeniably stronger. Also, I have never had such a reason to seek answers from God as I have had in this situation. I sought Him and I found Him, like never before and I will never be the same because of it. I am at peace with this situation. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and I long for my baby... but I have a peace that because God is in control and because He loves me so outrageously, that it will all be okay.<br />
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James and I had lunch and watched TV at the pool bar that day. We got into a conversation with the bartender "Billy the Greek" (as his name tag read). Billy was probably in his early 50's - super nice guy. We talked to him about his family, where we're from, and what we do. When he found out James is a pastor, the questions came flooding out of him. He is Greek Orthodox and began talking about many aspects of religion but mainly about having trouble believing/trusting in God when he sees all the bad in the world that goes on. -- We shared our story with him and he said the most amazing thing to us. He said "when I see you around and talk with you, I can see in your eyes that you are genuinely happy - not faking it like I see many people do." I got tears in my eyes and told him "thank you" and "he has no idea how much that means to me." Two and a half months ago when I started counseling and my counselor asked me what I wanted to see achieved or changed in my life through these sessions - I told her, "I want my joy and happiness back." I felt like I had lost it all, but in 3 short months (which feels like 3 years) God has put the pieces (mostly) back together. So much so that "Billy the Greek" can see our genuine joy. <br />
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Thank you Annalise. Thank you for your life, thank you for your love and thank you for your strength. We are forever changed because of you. No matter what happens in this world, I will always have your memory tucked away in a special place in my heart. You are my first baby - my first love. I love you and I miss you. Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-6667598065851340482011-11-17T16:34:00.000-08:002011-11-19T07:56:25.523-08:00HealingLast weekend I went to a women's retreat in Indiana. When I was first asked to go, I was in a really bad place emotionally, so I talked myself out of it and initially said "no." I thought: There was no way that I was going to share my feelings and be completely vulnerable with a room full of women who would probably think I'm crazy. I knew that what I was holding inside was ugly and once the walls that I so carefully put in place came down, there was no turning back and who knew what was going to come out. However. The night before going, I got serious in prayer and told God that I needed answers. I wanted to know: Why me? Do you not love me? and Is my daughter okay? I also knew that I had lost trust in God and was holding in major anger toward Him and pretty much any one who was happy - especially those with kids. So, even though I completely didn't want to, I told Him I would go. I said "I will go to this thing in hope that you will meet me half way." I promised myself that I would make every possible effort to seek answers and find healing because I truly didn't want to feel the desperate misery I was feeling.<br />
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This women's retreat, which was actually called "an encounter", was designed to "peel away the layers, like an onion, until everything you are harboring is dealt with and you can truly encounter God." I think I cried so much that I was actually dehydrated for days after. Everyone there was so genuine and non-judgmental... so completely real. In my small group when everyone began to share what they were struggling with - I soon found out that 2 of the girls in my group had lost babies (one of them had lost 3 in a row!!!). Unreal. It was a comfort to see how those girls have come through those losses and are stronger now. A lady who I had never met before prayed for me and she prayed the exact phrase that went through my head after Annalise was still-born and the nurses took her to be cleaned up and dressed. It's the same phrase that was in one of the songs at Annalise's funeral service... and she prayed it over me. "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." I think the use of that phrase, was just one of the many ways in which God showed his love for me that weekend.<br />
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It's difficult to describe all the ways God showed up and rewarded my efforts in seeking Him, but I will tell you that after that weekend I have a newly found, deep peace in knowing that God desperately loves me and that my daughter is in perfect peace and love. God has been more real to me these past several months than He has ever been before in my whole life. I think the only reason I feel this way is because I actually put aside my doubt, my criticism and my pride and desperately sought God out like I never have before. He tells us that if we seek Him with our whole hearts, we will find Him. I needed answers, I needed to know He was there and he cared. I found that He certainly doesn't disappoint. I walked away with all my questions answered and with a new found hope.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-56838861005492366342011-11-05T10:08:00.000-07:002011-11-05T10:08:26.860-07:00Brutally honestSo... I am going to be brutally honest here... the past week and a half or so has been really bad. It pains me to say that all of the strength and optimism I have shown in previous entries has been non-existent recently. I know that these feelings have been the result of a culmination of several difficult situations these past couple of weeks. First, our church had it's large "Harvest Fiesta" where we play games and distribute candy to appx. 1,500 cute kids dressed up in Halloween costumes. That was difficult. Then there was a wedding we attended where every woman I came in contact with talked constantly about their kids (no one knew my situation) and one of the bridesmaids was pregnant with twins. To top it all off, the flower girl was a little blonde haired, blued eyed girl named Elise (much like Annalise). I was in the rest room, and her mother turned to me and asked me to help fix Elise's hair. I wanted to just run away, but I didn't want to be a jerk, so I quietly held her blonde locks and tried to hold back the tears. As soon as she was done, I ran out of the bathroom and basically broke down sobbing. To top it all off, the end of that weekend brought the beginning of my menstrual cycle -- Something I was hoping not to see again for another 9+ months. <br />
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This past week has been an exhausting roller coster of episodes of unrelenting depression, interlaced with some of the darkest anger I've had in a long time. I am not proud of how I've acted this week or some of the feelings I've felt. I feel further away from God than I have in a long time. There is a part of me that is so deeply angry at Him and finally throwing blame on Him for all of this. I even think there is a part of me that wants to hurt Him how I've been hurt. I'm angry at Him for our daughter dying and for the fact that I have lost my joy and have been re-introduced to the dark anger I used to know as a child when my father left. I'm also angry at the way it is affecting our marriage. Then after all these thoughts and bad behavior, I go through moments of thinking that He allowed this to happen because I am a such a bad person that I don't deserve to be a mother and most likely will never get the chance to be a mother. I am constantly and unreasonably angry at all parents, families, mothers or anyone around me that is happy. I feel like I am about one conversation about kids away from having a nervous breakdown.<br />
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I tell you all of this to just be real. I am in a bad place right now and am struggling. If there are others of you out there struggling through situations, I don't want you to read my blog and see all this strength and courage and wonder what's wrong with you when you see nothing but pain, anger and depression in your own situation. I want you to know that these feelings come. However, I am determined to overcome this. Right now, it feels like I can not and will not. I feel like I don't have one ounce of strength or desire left to keep living. Nothing in my life holds the same passion and desire it used to and I feel like giving up. I HAVE to believe that this will get better. I HAVE to believe that the storm will pass and clear skies will be in my future. (It doesn't feel like it - but that hope is all I have to hold onto right now). I've been down this road before and I don't want to go back there. I know what waits at the end if I don't choose to turn this around. If I don't choose to fix my thoughts and turn my life back toward God. Please pray for me. Please pray for my thoughts and my emotions and my sanity. Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-20944785624225190282011-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:002011-10-22T17:17:44.390-07:00All because of AnnaliseLately I've felt like I've fallen into a pretty consistent pace of life. In my mind, I think I'm coping and grieving "well". For the most part - things feel like they've settled into a new normal. There are those unexpected days and moments when grief and sadness sneak up on me and I have to fight back to "happiness". James and I have been spending some much needed quality time together. We have grown so much closer and so much more mature since we lost Annalise. I feel even more in love with him than before - I feel more "tied to" him than ever before... if that makes sense. I guess walking through tragedies will cement relationships together like that. We've also been seeing a Christian counselor who has helped tremendously. Thank God we took that step to talk through our feelings and have a guide walk us through our grief. It is certainly healing. We are finding out more than I think we ever wished to know about our personalities and who we are as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes I am blown away when I think about how our little angel has given us this gift - she has opened our eyes to things we would have been otherwise missing. She has taught us lessons that some people never get to learn. Once we can conquer our sadness and come through this tough time, I know we are going to be better, stronger people -- all because of Annalise. We will be better parents, better spouses, better pastors, better friends. I guess with every tragedy, God gives us the opportunity to grow and become better versions of ourselves - more like Him, hopefully.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-82280069588947908822011-10-15T18:50:00.000-07:002011-10-15T18:50:25.383-07:00I miss you my loveAnnalise,<br />
Your Daddy and I have been trying our best to be strong and find the best way to cope with our grief. Some days are much harder than others. We miss you so much. I know you are looking down on us and can see the tears and the sadness we are experiencing. The both of us only want to hold you again. I wish I knew how to make this pain go away because I hate spending my days so deeply sad and hurting. I hate that my heart feels like it's imploding every time I see a baby or a pregnant woman. There is a deep, empty hole in my soul which was supposed to be filled with loving you and enjoying you. I hope you are happy my love. I hope that you have 100's of friends and never spend a day alone. I hope that Jesus is there to hold you and love you when you are missing your mommy and daddy. Since I'm not there to take care of you, I can only hope all of your needs are being well met and that you daily know love like our love for you. I am so so sorry that I cannot be there to take care of you and love on you. I feel like nothing else in this world matters anymore because you are gone. I feel like my purpose and my reason for living left this world when you did. I would give anything to see you smile... to hear you laugh... to hear you say "mommy." I can't help but feel sorry for myself that I cannot have that with you. <br />
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Please guide us my love. Your daddy and I need you to watch us through every day. We are having a tough time without you. Please send some sunshine and good days our way. I love you with everything that I am.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-7167214630570412952011-09-23T15:37:00.000-07:002011-09-23T15:46:41.336-07:00A different realityDuring these last couple of weeks of being back at work, I have had an overwhelming feeling that I am lost. A feeling that I went "off-track" somewhere. I was preparing and anticipating for the reality of motherhood and working part-time (or not at all). Instead, I'm left with a new reality, a very different reality. I'm back at work, and some moments feel like nothing ever changed - no pregnancy ever happened because I'm right back where I was - doing the same thing I was doing before. But the fact of the matter is: everything has changed. Everything inside of my heart and inside of my head is different. Some days I wake up with agonizing emotional pain, wondering why any of this had to happen to us. I wake up and I don't want to face the day. I don't want to face this reality. Some nights, I lay in bed with tears streaming down the sides of my face, wishing I could still be pregnant with my baby girl. I have cried myself to sleep too many nights to count. Sometimes the struggle seems pointless. Then sometimes, when you add in the stresses of the world that is speeding along as we're trying to hold onto our sanity and put ourselves back together, it can all be too overwhelming.<br />
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There's a poem titled "Welcome to Holland" that a friend shared with me. This poem so accurately sums up how I feel right now. Sometimes I sit and cry saying, "I don't want to be in Holland. I want to be in Italy". It is unfair. To any family that has had to go through the loss of a child - it is very unfair. I don't have an answer as to why these things happen. I spend probably the majority of my time crying out to God asking him to show me why. Today I was just telling God that I don't know why my human mind is so desperately trying to connect the dots and gather an understanding of what has happened to us - but I NEED that. I NEED to understand! What I do know is that this situation has drawn me so much closer to God and has completely changed my thought patterns toward this earth and the time we spend here. It has also changed my thoughts about heaven and hell and the reality of those places. More than ever, I understand how temporary this life and this body is. I understand that we do not live forever and something is going to happen when we die - we are going to go somewhere. I know more than ever that I want to be in heaven because a piece of my heart is already there.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Arial Narrow'; font-size: 19px;"><b>"Welcome To Holland"</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Arial Narrow'; font-size: 19px;"><b>by: </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Arial Narrow'; font-size: 19px;"><b>Emily Perl Kingsley</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Arial Narrow'; font-size: 19px;"><b><br />
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.<br />
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After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."<br />
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"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."<br />
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But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.<br />
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The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.<br />
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So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.<br />
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It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.<br />
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But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."<br />
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And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.<br />
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But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.</b></span>Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-39989875048250247062011-09-17T20:53:00.000-07:002011-09-17T20:53:18.850-07:00SadnessSometimes it amazes me how strong and happy I can be. Then there are times when the sadness creeps in and is completely overwhelming. This is one of those times.<br />
It's indescribably painful to see so many kids and babies all around me every day and to see FaceBook posts about babies and pregnancies when I have a huge, gaping hole in my soul that should be filled with my little daughter. Instead, I have a box. I have a box of mementos and photos and a blanket. I have a blanket with her name on it... but no baby to wrap up in the blanket. God - take this pain away from me. I'm torn with never wanting to forget and never wanting to remember. The remembering brings the tears. The remembering reminds me of what I almost had. The remembering makes me feel like I wasn't worthy enough to be a mother.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-35644826648480766412011-09-16T14:22:00.000-07:002011-09-23T15:51:27.505-07:00She Opened My EyesOver these past 4 weeks I keep seeing little ways I've changed since we lost Annalise. She has opened my eyes to so many things. Before now, I felt like I was walking through life half asleep. Now - I'm truly fully awake.<br />
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I've noticed how much I would let all the small stresses of life bother me in the past. I would let them all build up and then I would just explode. Now, I feel calmer and those small stresses seem completely insignificant to me. For example: this morning I took a big test. Regularly, I would be freaking out about it, but I was completely calm and peaceful. I practically got a perfect score on the test, and even if I had failed it - it would have been okay, because I could have taken it again. There are scarier things in life.<br />
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Also, things such as possessions and social stature that I used to hang onto so tightly and thought were so cool before - I now sit amazed at how petty it all is. I look around at people chasing after these silly things - fame, extravagant wealth, party life - and I just feel my head spin at the realization that once upon a time that was me and now... now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, those are the emptiest, least important things - ever. We all hold on to so many unimportant things that our arms and our hearts are too full for the things that truly matter.<br />
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Now, more than ever, I'm so aware of all the people around me. I see people in the store and on the street and I wonder to myself, "What's their hurt?" Everyone seems to have hurt. It's the world we live in - a broken world. I have had numerous conversations with people who are going through unreal pain - cancer, divorce, financial issues, deaths -- so many deaths. We all die you know. This is where my baby girl has opened my eyes to know the deep, important truth that is: life is so short and so temporal. We are basically here on a vacation. I'm here on vacation with my friends and family and my baby girl went back home a little early.<br />
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My communication and my relationship on a whole with my husband has improved drastically. I guess nothing truly cements a relationship like traveling through the darkest moments of your life together. I've always said to myself that's why my family - my mom, my brother and me - are so close. We went through such hardships and came out on the other side together and stronger!<br />
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Most importantly, since my baby girl is there, I have wanted to know so much more about heaven. About what happens to us after we die. I have needed to grow closer to God through this situation because He was the only thing sustaining me. I have learned that I can truly do anything with Him. I didn't think I could ever have the courage to give birth to and hold my dead baby - but I did. I didn't think I could ever put that baby in a casket and bury her in the ground - but I did. I didn't think I'd ever have the conviction to live after that - but I am. I didn't think I could go back to work and resume life - but I did. And this hasn't been the first time I've made it through unbelievably tough issues with His help.<br />
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James and I have had the honor of creating a precious life who will forever be alive in eternity. I carried her for 6 months and never got to meet her face to face, but I have become a better person all because of her. I have told Annalise "Thank you for opening my eyes" several times over these past weeks and I will say it many more throughout my life. Her life was so extremely significant... it completely altered James' and my little world. I will never be the same and I am so grateful for that.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-52080170510673049252011-09-13T17:13:00.000-07:002011-09-14T10:23:59.329-07:00The fog in my brainToday was my first day back at work. I only scheduled 5 client sessions (1 hour each). It was good to see everyone again. They were all sensitive and amazing and we didn't even talk about the baby and the pregnancy very much - which was also nice because it has been the only thing consuming my mind for the past 2 months since finding out the diagnosis. However I felt like I walked around today with my head in a fog. It was similar to the day we found out Annalise's fatal diagnosis or the day we were planning the funeral. Those days I sort of just robotically functioned as if I wasn't in my own life and I was just performing the motions I knew I needed to perform. Well, I got through today not feeling like my normal self and then at the end of the day I just sat down in my car and cried. I cried all the way to the cemetery then sat at her graveside and cried. I finally yelled at God. I finally told Him how wrong I think he is for what has happened. I finally asked him "Where were you?!? Why didn't you show up?!? Why didn't you heal her?!?" I know it's not Gods fault, but I just was so desperately longing for my loving heavenly father to fix everything and make it all perfect for our family. Now I'm just left wondering what great is going to come of this all. What is the purpose for this tragedy?<br />
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After putting a fresh bed of mulch around the lilies on her grave, I left to pick up a few items at the store. I swear, today I felt like everywhere I went, people were looking at me as if I were wearing a sticker on my forehead that said "My baby just died." James always says I wear my exact emotions all over my face. So if I looked on the outside anything like what I felt on the inside - I'm sure it was well worth staring at. I finally got angry today. I got angry about all the 100's of kids I see everywhere I go. It's like a taunting reminder that my child is never going to be here with me again. I also got angry at so many parents treating their kids so un-lovingly. It makes me mad and it makes me sad to see this. I guess I value parenthood so much more now after what I've lost... maybe before this, I would have been one of those same parents frustrated at their kids. Hopefully I can go forward treating my future children with love and compassion even when they are getting on my last nerve.<br />
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In the gym with my clients, I think I was probably trying a little too hard to make everything exactly as it was before. Normal for their sake. I don't want to be a total basket-case freak that cries at every mention of a baby or sad song on the radio, so we can't even make it through a workout. I guess I put my "game face" on today and I figure I will have that game face on out in public until this new natural feels... actually natural. I also let myself get frustrated today at my (muscular) weaknesses lifting weights - forgetting that it's only been three weeks since I delivered a baby. I am rushing it -physically and emotionally. Then I feel guilty for rushing it. Then I beat myself up about what I should be doing differently. Then I just cry. It's a sick roller-coaster that I'm on right now and if you know me, you know that I don't like roller-coasters.<br />
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I have no doubt in my mind that this will get easier. I know everyday will become less forced and less terrifying. Then I will feel somewhat like myself again. Somewhat like myself but also very very different. Today was actually much easier than I thought but I really acted like a complete drill-sergeant, ignoring much else. I hope my clients don't think I've lost it. Happy Miranda will be back... soon. Just give me a little time.<br />
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On a side note today. I was thinking about how people who don't know God cope with tragedy and severe heart-ache. I know that the Miranda who didn't know God back in the day when my parents split went straight to every bottle of rum and party she could find to escape the pain. I know other's have mentioned along this journey how drugs - especially prescription drugs were a "crutch" they leaned on to get through things. I have also heard God and Christianity flippantly referred to as some peoples' "crutch". Well from my stand point, seeing and knowing the terrible effects alcohol, drugs, etc can have on your life and your families lives, God seems like a much better and more positive "crutch". When my parents split, I blamed it on God and the last thing I wanted was anything from Him. About 12 years later, after trying everything else, the only thing that won out was Gods love - still waiting there for me even though I cursed Him and told him how much I hated Him. He still waited.<br />
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Many of you have told me through e-mail or conversation that I'm so strong or amazing and I write so well. I have to completely attribute that to God. It's not me, because I have never been more weak in my life. I would still be laying in a bed since Friday, August 19th - not able to muster up one ounce of "why do I have to go on." It's all completely God and I know many of my friends from the past who will read this and think I've totally lost it. And you know what - I think I have. I don't know if you can truly understand the depth of God's love and peace until it's the only thing you have left to cling onto.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-70685231874922134252011-09-12T06:32:00.000-07:002011-09-12T06:34:37.115-07:00Baby AlexanderYesterday marked the 7 year anniversary of the loss of my mom's baby boy - Alexander. It's so insane because she and I lost our babies at pretty much exactly the same time along in our pregnancy - 6 months. I will be honest and tell you that when she was going through the situation I was in college, away from home, and I wasn't very involved in her experience. I had no clue what she was going through or how broken she was feeling. I was totally wrapped up in my own life while she was going through one of the hardest situations ever in her life. I feel so guilty, now, for not being there... now that I know how deeply devastating this experience is. She has told me how she was alone in the hospital with no one but the nurse at her side. Even now when I think of this I can feel my heart just breaking. I had no idea what she was dealing with. I should have been there. I didn't cry a tear for her experience then, but I have wept many for her and for Alexander now.<br />
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It's crazy how God uses situations in our lives. She was (and is) able to be there for me with deep understanding because she has walked this path. I wish she never had to go through such a thing but I am grateful to have her comfort and understanding. It's also a comfort to know that my little brother and my little girl are in heaven together - they have each other. It's encouraging to see my mom and how she has walked through her grieving and where she is today. She still misses him and even cries occasionally but she is good and she has resumed living her life. Seeing this gives me courage that I can do the same. I look at her and I see me. I see that I can be okay - I will be fine.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-91202826260302098692011-09-10T19:44:00.000-07:002011-09-11T03:55:13.113-07:00My HusbandToday I have been thinking a lot about the amazing support system I had around me during this time. My family, my friends, my church and especially my husband. All throughout the long night at the hospital he was there for me every second that I needed him - without complaint. I kept saying I felt bad for needing so much from him and bothering him while he was trying to sleep. All he kept saying was "he wouldn't have it any other way" and "he wanted to be there for me." He was my rock that night. We both saw each other in such a different way after that experience. Our relationship has grown stronger. I know that I feel a deeper love and respect for him than I ever have. He is an amazing man... and I am a lucky girl.<br />
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Even now... he is always there to listen and give heart-felt support and advice. I think and I hope that I am there to do the same for him. I've found out that men and women grieve very differently, so sometimes I wonder if my advice and support helps in any way. My heart aches to see him sad at times. My heart aches that we had to go through this and are now faced with figuring out how to resume life as normal when nothing feels normal. However, since Annalise passed, I've seen in James a new passion to do the very best he possibly can at anything he is doing. I've seen a new drive to be the absolute best man, husband, and pastor he can be. He says he just wants to make God and Annalise proud. I know they are proud of him, because I sure am.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-7679881762388316622011-09-09T07:08:00.000-07:002011-09-09T07:19:05.512-07:003 WeeksYou know, while I was pregnant - time seemed to just speed along through the first trimester. Then at 20 weeks when we found out, everything seemed to slow down tremendously as we stretched every minute out with Annalise and made every second with her count. Since her death and delivery it has been only 3 weeks. To me, it has been the longest, most difficult 3 weeks of my life. I think I am in awe at how regularly 3 weeks is no time at all, but during these last few weeks I feel like time has lost all definition.<br />
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It might have a lot to do with being off of work, so the days just seem to go on forever. James hasn't experienced these same feelings about the time - probably because he has been insanely busy at work. I have to admit, I've been a little jealous of how busy he has been able to be. I wish I had so much to occupy my mind. Instead, I'm left in a quiet house to think about her and about our loss. It may have been very good for me though. I feel as if I'm in a good place right now. Some moments get difficult but I've learned from past experiences not to dwell in the difficult moments for too long. Dwelling in the sadness and the difficult moments can become dangerous very quickly. I've learned that major depression and emptiness thrive on my dwelling and my negativity. I instead choose to change my thought patterns to joyful memories of my Annalise and I focus on all the blessings I have around me now. I am incredibly blessed.<br />
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I start back to work next week. I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm scared that I will be in terrible physical condition and my clients will be more fit that I am.. haha! (which I'm pretty sure most of them are right now). I'm also scared of crazy, out of nowhere emotional breakdowns. I pray this doesn't happen because the last thing I want to do is make everyone around me uncomfortable. I'm also pretty excited that one of my past clients is coming back to me. This guy worked out with me last year. He was 89 then and is 90 years old now! He's a firecracker though. Somedays you don't know what you'll get from him - he always keeps me on my toes. I'm sure there will be more stories to come about him! I'm looking forward to getting back into a "normal" pace and seeing all these people again.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-87866805012957931602011-09-05T05:55:00.000-07:002011-09-05T08:53:57.081-07:00Our Earthly TentsFor the past 2 nights, I have not slept very well. I've had nightmares all night long about having a baby in my arms and then having it taken away from me - then me frantically searching for the baby. Last night, I dreamed I was in a house with several very pregnant women who were all complaining about the pains and challenges of pregnancy while I was sitting there in my pain and loss. I just distinctly remember wanting to scream at them all in my dream - but I didn't. I pray my dreams become better soon and I can get some peaceful sleep.<br />
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Usually most mornings when I open my eyes - painful thoughts immediately rush at me. Although this has been getting better with time, this morning was particularly poignant. I had thoughts about my baby girl in the hospital right after she was delivered. She was just so tiny and fragile - James and I were, at first, both scared to touch her for fear that we would tear her skin. (There is nothing more painful to a parent to know your child is injured and there is nothing you can do to fix them.) Then my memory recalled how her body started breaking down as we passed her around, moved her and touched her. My heart was aching then in the hospital and I think it aches even more now as I recall it. However, a Bible verse came right to my mind this morning while laying in my misery in my bed. It's 2 Corinthians 5:1 "Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands." As I type this now, tears come to my eyes. I am so grateful for this truth. I love how Paul uses the word "tent" - a flimsy, temporary structure - to describe our earthly bodies. Then he uses the words "a building from God" - giving the sense of a strong, permanent, perfect structure - to describe our eternal bodies.<br />
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I thank God everyday that my baby has a new, perfect, eternal body. Free of pain or illness. I ache everyday to be with her and to see her. To hear her laugh or see how she would act silly like her mom and dad. Through this entire experience I have sought and gained such a deeper perspective of heaven and what we have to look forward to. I cannot wait to see my baby girl's new body in heaven one day.Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-42179147819891197592011-09-03T13:57:00.000-07:002011-09-03T16:52:47.495-07:00A Gift From HeavenI went out today to buy day lilies to plant at Annalise's grave and a special box to put all the mementos of her life in. We decided to put everything in a box because it's so difficult to be going throughout our day, doing okay, then seeing one of her memento's and just braking down and losing it. Now we can have the choice to go to the box and have a good cry on our timing.<br />
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As I was putting things in the box I came across a poem that CLC gave to us along with a small wind chime for her grave site. I hadn't taken the time to read it on the day of the funeral because I was just so overwhelmed by everything. The poem brought James and me to tears today. It's perfect. It's titled: <br />
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A Gift From Heaven<br />
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I am with you always<br />
I live in your heart<br />
I speak to your soul<br />
We are not far apart<br />
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When you feel a light breeze<br />
Hear the songs the birds sing<br />
Know that I see every smile<br />
Your kindness can bring<br />
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I see you building your dreams<br />
With wisdom and grace<br />
And asking His guidance<br />
With each challenge you face<br />
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I am more than a memory<br />
You will feel our love grow<br />
I am forever your angel<br />
Some things you just know<br />
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Please tell me your thoughts<br />
Your hopes and your fears<br />
And know that through faith<br />
He will heal all your tears<br />
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For today, I can share<br />
That in Heaven above<br />
God has taken my hand<br />
I am complete, I am love.<br />
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-Kristan DeanMirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-26367184271342556512011-09-03T07:52:00.000-07:002011-09-03T13:34:07.020-07:00"Just Smile"I know I've been quiet for awhile. I've sat here 3 separate times, started writing a blog but then deleted it and walked away. The place I'm in right now emotionally is just so crazy and volatile. One day I could be feeling waaay up! Then the next waaay down. I didn't want to appear to the world to have split-personalities. But writing to you all and knowing that you are all walking this journey with me is so comforting and I don't want to turn my back on this.<br />
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Over the last week or so I've just been trying to ease my way back into what I'm calling a "new-normal". I'm trying to do things I enjoy (even though much of the luster is gone from just about everything right now). I am smiling a lot more and finding time to laugh with my husband. I've been trying to go out in public more and more. At first it was very difficult... but it's getting easier every time. The hardest parts are seeing the people at the local grocery, gas station, or sandwich shop - who I've had passing conversations with about my pregnancy - now just completely ignore the issue of my flat tummy like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's for the best though, because what would they say?! Then, how would I react?! Maybe it's for the best. However, I think a part of me just wants everyone to recognize Annalise's life - no matter how much it may hurt me to talk about it - I want to know that she is remembered.<br />
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I've also been setting goals for myself. Very small, very slow goals right now. I worked out a bit yesterday (which was a far cry from a regular workout of mine, but I broke a nice lil sweat). I've been cleared by the doctor and I'm slowly able to start doing more physically, which is good. I am a busy body and a very active person. Being back in the gym was very uplifting. I seriously feel alive when I'm working out and helping others to work out. I'm also studying for a personal trainer recertification test - which I take in about 10 days. I'm meeting with a few friends. Life is seeming to slip back to normal very easily. But I have to confess there is an evil little part of me that wants to stay in the misery of 3 weeks ago. I want to wallow in the pain and the missing her. I don't want to heal or let go because I feel like I'd be completely letting go of her. (Sick I know... I'm sure you're all thinking of a therapist to refer me to right now.) But I'm determined not to let those sad feelings get the best of me. I told James yesterday that through my tearful daily prayers, I get the distinct feeling that Annalise wants me to just smile. I keep thinking the words in my head "Just Smile." I don't know if it's just my "always be happy" personality and attitude coming out or if my little girl is actually placing on my heart her desire for me to just be happy. But now my number one goal is to "Just Smile" as often as I can every day.<br />
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I don't know if this is bad to confess on here or not, but I will admit that lately the number one desire that has been on my heart is to try again for a baby. However, every one keeps saying "give your body time to heal" but also "give yourself time to mourn Annalise properly." I think that I will always ache for Annalise. I will always miss my 1st baby. It will always hurt to know how motherhood was snatched away from me the first taste I got of it. The way I would emotionally diagnose myself right now is: I'm sad and I'm hurting. I miss her tremendously. However, I know she's in heaven and loving her life right now. I know she's secure. I need to do for me what I feel will be the most healing. I need to know I can be a mom. I need to know I am capable. I need an outlet to give all this maternal love. Maybe I'm all wrong. But even if I wait 2 years to have another baby - I still think I'll have the same emotional pains - they may have become dull and fallen beneath the surface but I think they'll always be a part of me from now on. I don't think Annalise wants me to hurt. I think she wants us both to be happy. I pray that God will show me (us) the proper timing of His perfect will.<br />
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Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-81015296609756517782011-08-29T19:54:00.000-07:002011-08-29T19:59:30.245-07:00Dear God:God,<br />
My heart is broken. I feel like there is no strength left in me. The things I used to enjoy so much, now feel hollow. Nothing holds the same passion. I don't have the same passion. I hate feeling like this. I hate this pain we have to go through. People have said to me that I shouldn't ask You why... but the first thought that comes to my mind when I open my eyes in the morning and the pain starts fresh is: WHY?! When I look at my deflated tummy, the only thought I have is: WHY?! When I sit crying in my bed at night, my heart is crying out: WHY?! Help me Lord not to dwell on this because I know this can completely consume me up. This will destroy me if I let it. I want to regain my joy and my passion. I want to be able to go on and laugh and smile for my little girl who is watching me from above. I want to be able to just flip a switch and go on to be okay. I just can't though. I feel incapable of it.<br />
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God. I'm only human. At times... my strength fails me. My faith fails me. My mind is weak against the enemies' lies. I need You. I need Your strength. I need Your Grace. I need Your comfort. I need Your love. Please be more near to me than you ever have before. I beg for a comforting sign that my baby is well. That she is happy. I just wish I could see her happy. I miss her every day. I want to hold her every day. Some days I just wish I could be back in that hospital - eternally laying in that bed holding her. Please God... I beg for Your comfort and strength. I can't keep going on feeling this way. This is not honoring to my baby girl - for me to be so ruined. Help me to accept what has happened so that I can move on and heal. Help me to know You still love me deeply, even though this happened to me. Help me not to take on a victim mentality.<br />
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I thank You that I am still healthy. Thank You that I can still have babies. I pray for my future child or children. I pray for their health. I pray for their future. I pray that I can be the best parent possible. Help me as I go into future pregnancies to have faith in You. I am already terrified that something bad will happen again. Please completely eliminate those thoughts and lies from my mind.<br />
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God, most importantly - so that we can move on to our future - please show us what is next. What you have in store for us. What can we do for You with this situation? How can Annalise's life honor You and impact the world? What is my role in Your bigger picture? Please reveal this to me and help me not to be so self-consumed that I miss it. <br />
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-Miranda<br />
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Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8543608232673739007.post-13759573477674602622011-08-28T15:11:00.000-07:002011-08-29T19:56:04.686-07:00One Day at a TimeI think Annalise would be proud of us. Every single day it hurts, but every single day we are taking steps forward. There have been parts of this journey that I told myself I'd never be able to get through - delivering her, having her funeral service, burying her - but somehow I made it through. There are still parts of this journey that terrify me - going out to a restaurant and seeing kids, making small talk with friends, waking up everyday and facing life... but I do it. I meet each day head-on, knowing that the pain could be great, and I make it through. Each terrifying step that I conquer brings me closer to healing.<br />
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</div><div>I know with all that I am that my baby girl is safe in the arms of God. She is happy and I don't have to cry for her. But, I think the hardest part to let go is - I built up in my mind a beautiful picture full of dreams and expectations of what life would look like after November 28th 2011. Now all of that is gone... and I'm left with empty hands, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. Now I have to deal with transforming that picture and accepting what my new reality is... and that... is difficult. In place of our home being filled with cries of a new baby it is filled with dozens of sympathy cards, small tokens given to us by friends, family and the hospital, and the smell of dozens of lilies. These things are beautiful, but seeing them every day only reminds me of the large void that is in my soul and the lingering pain that creeps up and becomes overwhelming at random times. Someone very dear told me to get through every difficult day by setting small goals and accomplishing these goals daily or weekly. As a personal trainer I absolutely love this and this is how I'm going to approach the next few months. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Thank you to all of our friends and family who have supported us and loved on us during this time - you have made such a difference in our journey. It is so good to know that we are loved and prayed for. Thank you to all of you that have shared with me how Annalise has touched your lives... this means more to me than you could ever know. That is what I want to hear. I want to know that my baby girl made a difference - even if it is small - in others' lives. Thank you to those who mourned with us at her funeral. You are all now family to our little angel. </div><div><br />
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</div>Mirandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09733530093257296679noreply@blogger.com0