We are so happy to announce that we are pregnant again! I am 12 weeks along and so far, everything seems to be going well. There's not much the doctors can tell this early on, so the next couple of months will hold the critical answers we are waiting for. We have decided not to do any early genetic testing - we are just waiting, and trusting God, that all will be well at our 20 week ultrasound.
This pregnancy has been certainly emotionally taxing and faith testing so far. We have fears. I am terrified. I have spent countless hours in prayer begging for peace, faith and that all will be perfect this time. I thank God for this little one and find myself feeling guilty at times for allowing the fear to steal my joy for this pregnancy. It's a daily struggle right now. We find ourselves trying not to get too excited with the thought in our heads that if we let ourselves get too high on emotions, it will just be that much larger of a heartache when it doesn't work out again. I hate this. I hate that our only knowledge of pregnancy and childbirth is such a traumatic one.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with us every step of the way with Annalise. She is such a treasured gift and I am so happy that she is my first child - I will never forget every moment of all my firsts with her (whether they be good or bad). Please continue to pray for us that we can have peace and joy in this pregnancy and for a happy, healthy baby.
I wanted to share a verse from my devotions this morning. For some reason, through the loss of Annalise and every day afterward, this particular devotional has spoken EXACTLY what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it... it's great. John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
When I'm desperately searching for peace right now, and full of fear, God speaks a huge reminder into my life. I know, no matter what, that everything will be okay.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A New Year
This year has been the most difficult year I have ever experienced. Reflecting on all that has happened is completely ripping me apart tonight. It was difficult to spend Christmas without our little one, when I had pictured her with us so often throughout the pregnancy. It's difficult to try to wrap my mind around our loss and our emptiness. And tonight, it is difficult to leave a year filled with the pure joy of expectation of Annalise and the simultaneous extreme pain of loss of Annalise.
The last few weeks I have had moments of pouring out my heart and sobbing for Annalise... just missing her and wishing she were here. The realization that I will forever have this break in my heart is daunting. I was thinking about how the loss of my father (when he left us - then when he died) left and huge, damaging hole in my life. And here I am again, with an even larger hole left when my little girl died. Life is difficult. And I know that the difficulties will never cease in this lifetime. I hold tightly to the knowledge that I will see my little one again, one day, when I leave this world.
My sweet Annalise. Mommy and daddy miss you more than anything. My heart is so deeply broken without you here. I think about you every, single day. I am so sorry that we didn't have more time with you. I ache for the memories we could have made. I pray that you are blissfully content where you are and you know how I deeply and entirely I love you. I wish you were here to start a new year with us, but I hope you will see nothing but happiness fill our lives in 2012.
The last few weeks I have had moments of pouring out my heart and sobbing for Annalise... just missing her and wishing she were here. The realization that I will forever have this break in my heart is daunting. I was thinking about how the loss of my father (when he left us - then when he died) left and huge, damaging hole in my life. And here I am again, with an even larger hole left when my little girl died. Life is difficult. And I know that the difficulties will never cease in this lifetime. I hold tightly to the knowledge that I will see my little one again, one day, when I leave this world.
My sweet Annalise. Mommy and daddy miss you more than anything. My heart is so deeply broken without you here. I think about you every, single day. I am so sorry that we didn't have more time with you. I ache for the memories we could have made. I pray that you are blissfully content where you are and you know how I deeply and entirely I love you. I wish you were here to start a new year with us, but I hope you will see nothing but happiness fill our lives in 2012.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
November 28th
Annalise's given due date was November 28th 2011. James and I spent that day and several days before in Key West, FL - complimentary of our amazing families. I dreaded seeing November 28th come around. I envisioned myself in the deepest darkest despair for days... weeks even. However, I found myself in very different circumstances. Monday, November 28th - I awoke peacefully with 2 thoughts on my mind: how was I going to honor Annalise today and many prayers for my friend Meghan who was delivering her daughter (diagnosed with Trisomy 13) that day. I spent most of the day in the sun, laying by the pool - in awe of the clear blue sky and coconut trees swaying above me in the breeze. I spent much of the day reflecting on where this entire situation has brought us. We are different people in so many ways. Our love and respect for each other is undeniably stronger. Also, I have never had such a reason to seek answers from God as I have had in this situation. I sought Him and I found Him, like never before and I will never be the same because of it. I am at peace with this situation. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and I long for my baby... but I have a peace that because God is in control and because He loves me so outrageously, that it will all be okay.
James and I had lunch and watched TV at the pool bar that day. We got into a conversation with the bartender "Billy the Greek" (as his name tag read). Billy was probably in his early 50's - super nice guy. We talked to him about his family, where we're from, and what we do. When he found out James is a pastor, the questions came flooding out of him. He is Greek Orthodox and began talking about many aspects of religion but mainly about having trouble believing/trusting in God when he sees all the bad in the world that goes on. -- We shared our story with him and he said the most amazing thing to us. He said "when I see you around and talk with you, I can see in your eyes that you are genuinely happy - not faking it like I see many people do." I got tears in my eyes and told him "thank you" and "he has no idea how much that means to me." Two and a half months ago when I started counseling and my counselor asked me what I wanted to see achieved or changed in my life through these sessions - I told her, "I want my joy and happiness back." I felt like I had lost it all, but in 3 short months (which feels like 3 years) God has put the pieces (mostly) back together. So much so that "Billy the Greek" can see our genuine joy.
Thank you Annalise. Thank you for your life, thank you for your love and thank you for your strength. We are forever changed because of you. No matter what happens in this world, I will always have your memory tucked away in a special place in my heart. You are my first baby - my first love. I love you and I miss you.
James and I had lunch and watched TV at the pool bar that day. We got into a conversation with the bartender "Billy the Greek" (as his name tag read). Billy was probably in his early 50's - super nice guy. We talked to him about his family, where we're from, and what we do. When he found out James is a pastor, the questions came flooding out of him. He is Greek Orthodox and began talking about many aspects of religion but mainly about having trouble believing/trusting in God when he sees all the bad in the world that goes on. -- We shared our story with him and he said the most amazing thing to us. He said "when I see you around and talk with you, I can see in your eyes that you are genuinely happy - not faking it like I see many people do." I got tears in my eyes and told him "thank you" and "he has no idea how much that means to me." Two and a half months ago when I started counseling and my counselor asked me what I wanted to see achieved or changed in my life through these sessions - I told her, "I want my joy and happiness back." I felt like I had lost it all, but in 3 short months (which feels like 3 years) God has put the pieces (mostly) back together. So much so that "Billy the Greek" can see our genuine joy.
Thank you Annalise. Thank you for your life, thank you for your love and thank you for your strength. We are forever changed because of you. No matter what happens in this world, I will always have your memory tucked away in a special place in my heart. You are my first baby - my first love. I love you and I miss you.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Healing
Last weekend I went to a women's retreat in Indiana. When I was first asked to go, I was in a really bad place emotionally, so I talked myself out of it and initially said "no." I thought: There was no way that I was going to share my feelings and be completely vulnerable with a room full of women who would probably think I'm crazy. I knew that what I was holding inside was ugly and once the walls that I so carefully put in place came down, there was no turning back and who knew what was going to come out. However. The night before going, I got serious in prayer and told God that I needed answers. I wanted to know: Why me? Do you not love me? and Is my daughter okay? I also knew that I had lost trust in God and was holding in major anger toward Him and pretty much any one who was happy - especially those with kids. So, even though I completely didn't want to, I told Him I would go. I said "I will go to this thing in hope that you will meet me half way." I promised myself that I would make every possible effort to seek answers and find healing because I truly didn't want to feel the desperate misery I was feeling.
This women's retreat, which was actually called "an encounter", was designed to "peel away the layers, like an onion, until everything you are harboring is dealt with and you can truly encounter God." I think I cried so much that I was actually dehydrated for days after. Everyone there was so genuine and non-judgmental... so completely real. In my small group when everyone began to share what they were struggling with - I soon found out that 2 of the girls in my group had lost babies (one of them had lost 3 in a row!!!). Unreal. It was a comfort to see how those girls have come through those losses and are stronger now. A lady who I had never met before prayed for me and she prayed the exact phrase that went through my head after Annalise was still-born and the nurses took her to be cleaned up and dressed. It's the same phrase that was in one of the songs at Annalise's funeral service... and she prayed it over me. "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." I think the use of that phrase, was just one of the many ways in which God showed his love for me that weekend.
It's difficult to describe all the ways God showed up and rewarded my efforts in seeking Him, but I will tell you that after that weekend I have a newly found, deep peace in knowing that God desperately loves me and that my daughter is in perfect peace and love. God has been more real to me these past several months than He has ever been before in my whole life. I think the only reason I feel this way is because I actually put aside my doubt, my criticism and my pride and desperately sought God out like I never have before. He tells us that if we seek Him with our whole hearts, we will find Him. I needed answers, I needed to know He was there and he cared. I found that He certainly doesn't disappoint. I walked away with all my questions answered and with a new found hope.
This women's retreat, which was actually called "an encounter", was designed to "peel away the layers, like an onion, until everything you are harboring is dealt with and you can truly encounter God." I think I cried so much that I was actually dehydrated for days after. Everyone there was so genuine and non-judgmental... so completely real. In my small group when everyone began to share what they were struggling with - I soon found out that 2 of the girls in my group had lost babies (one of them had lost 3 in a row!!!). Unreal. It was a comfort to see how those girls have come through those losses and are stronger now. A lady who I had never met before prayed for me and she prayed the exact phrase that went through my head after Annalise was still-born and the nurses took her to be cleaned up and dressed. It's the same phrase that was in one of the songs at Annalise's funeral service... and she prayed it over me. "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." I think the use of that phrase, was just one of the many ways in which God showed his love for me that weekend.
It's difficult to describe all the ways God showed up and rewarded my efforts in seeking Him, but I will tell you that after that weekend I have a newly found, deep peace in knowing that God desperately loves me and that my daughter is in perfect peace and love. God has been more real to me these past several months than He has ever been before in my whole life. I think the only reason I feel this way is because I actually put aside my doubt, my criticism and my pride and desperately sought God out like I never have before. He tells us that if we seek Him with our whole hearts, we will find Him. I needed answers, I needed to know He was there and he cared. I found that He certainly doesn't disappoint. I walked away with all my questions answered and with a new found hope.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Brutally honest
So... I am going to be brutally honest here... the past week and a half or so has been really bad. It pains me to say that all of the strength and optimism I have shown in previous entries has been non-existent recently. I know that these feelings have been the result of a culmination of several difficult situations these past couple of weeks. First, our church had it's large "Harvest Fiesta" where we play games and distribute candy to appx. 1,500 cute kids dressed up in Halloween costumes. That was difficult. Then there was a wedding we attended where every woman I came in contact with talked constantly about their kids (no one knew my situation) and one of the bridesmaids was pregnant with twins. To top it all off, the flower girl was a little blonde haired, blued eyed girl named Elise (much like Annalise). I was in the rest room, and her mother turned to me and asked me to help fix Elise's hair. I wanted to just run away, but I didn't want to be a jerk, so I quietly held her blonde locks and tried to hold back the tears. As soon as she was done, I ran out of the bathroom and basically broke down sobbing. To top it all off, the end of that weekend brought the beginning of my menstrual cycle -- Something I was hoping not to see again for another 9+ months.
This past week has been an exhausting roller coster of episodes of unrelenting depression, interlaced with some of the darkest anger I've had in a long time. I am not proud of how I've acted this week or some of the feelings I've felt. I feel further away from God than I have in a long time. There is a part of me that is so deeply angry at Him and finally throwing blame on Him for all of this. I even think there is a part of me that wants to hurt Him how I've been hurt. I'm angry at Him for our daughter dying and for the fact that I have lost my joy and have been re-introduced to the dark anger I used to know as a child when my father left. I'm also angry at the way it is affecting our marriage. Then after all these thoughts and bad behavior, I go through moments of thinking that He allowed this to happen because I am a such a bad person that I don't deserve to be a mother and most likely will never get the chance to be a mother. I am constantly and unreasonably angry at all parents, families, mothers or anyone around me that is happy. I feel like I am about one conversation about kids away from having a nervous breakdown.
I tell you all of this to just be real. I am in a bad place right now and am struggling. If there are others of you out there struggling through situations, I don't want you to read my blog and see all this strength and courage and wonder what's wrong with you when you see nothing but pain, anger and depression in your own situation. I want you to know that these feelings come. However, I am determined to overcome this. Right now, it feels like I can not and will not. I feel like I don't have one ounce of strength or desire left to keep living. Nothing in my life holds the same passion and desire it used to and I feel like giving up. I HAVE to believe that this will get better. I HAVE to believe that the storm will pass and clear skies will be in my future. (It doesn't feel like it - but that hope is all I have to hold onto right now). I've been down this road before and I don't want to go back there. I know what waits at the end if I don't choose to turn this around. If I don't choose to fix my thoughts and turn my life back toward God. Please pray for me. Please pray for my thoughts and my emotions and my sanity.
This past week has been an exhausting roller coster of episodes of unrelenting depression, interlaced with some of the darkest anger I've had in a long time. I am not proud of how I've acted this week or some of the feelings I've felt. I feel further away from God than I have in a long time. There is a part of me that is so deeply angry at Him and finally throwing blame on Him for all of this. I even think there is a part of me that wants to hurt Him how I've been hurt. I'm angry at Him for our daughter dying and for the fact that I have lost my joy and have been re-introduced to the dark anger I used to know as a child when my father left. I'm also angry at the way it is affecting our marriage. Then after all these thoughts and bad behavior, I go through moments of thinking that He allowed this to happen because I am a such a bad person that I don't deserve to be a mother and most likely will never get the chance to be a mother. I am constantly and unreasonably angry at all parents, families, mothers or anyone around me that is happy. I feel like I am about one conversation about kids away from having a nervous breakdown.
I tell you all of this to just be real. I am in a bad place right now and am struggling. If there are others of you out there struggling through situations, I don't want you to read my blog and see all this strength and courage and wonder what's wrong with you when you see nothing but pain, anger and depression in your own situation. I want you to know that these feelings come. However, I am determined to overcome this. Right now, it feels like I can not and will not. I feel like I don't have one ounce of strength or desire left to keep living. Nothing in my life holds the same passion and desire it used to and I feel like giving up. I HAVE to believe that this will get better. I HAVE to believe that the storm will pass and clear skies will be in my future. (It doesn't feel like it - but that hope is all I have to hold onto right now). I've been down this road before and I don't want to go back there. I know what waits at the end if I don't choose to turn this around. If I don't choose to fix my thoughts and turn my life back toward God. Please pray for me. Please pray for my thoughts and my emotions and my sanity.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)