Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, October 22, 2011

All because of Annalise

Lately I've felt like I've fallen into a pretty consistent pace of life.  In my mind, I think I'm coping and grieving "well".  For the most part - things feel like they've settled into a new normal.  There are those unexpected days and moments when grief and sadness sneak up on me and I have to fight back to "happiness".  James and I have been spending some much needed quality time together.  We have grown so much closer and so much more mature since we lost Annalise.  I feel even more in love with him than before - I feel more "tied to" him than ever before... if that makes sense.  I guess walking through tragedies will cement relationships together like that.  We've also been seeing a Christian counselor who has helped tremendously.  Thank God we took that step to talk through our feelings and have a guide walk us through our grief.  It is certainly healing.  We are finding out more than I think we ever wished to know about our personalities and who we are as individuals and as a couple.  Sometimes I am blown away when I think about how our little angel has given us this gift - she has opened our eyes to things we would have been otherwise missing.  She has taught us lessons that some people never get to learn.  Once we can conquer our sadness and come through this tough time, I know we are going to be better, stronger people -- all because of Annalise.  We will be better parents, better spouses, better pastors, better friends.  I guess with every tragedy, God gives us the opportunity to grow and become better versions of ourselves - more like Him, hopefully.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I miss you my love

Your Daddy and I have been trying our best to be strong and find the best way to cope with our grief.  Some days are much harder than others.  We miss you so much.  I know you are looking down on us and can see the tears and the sadness we are experiencing.  The both of us only want to hold you again.  I wish I knew how to make this pain go away because I hate spending my days so deeply sad and hurting.  I hate that my heart feels like it's imploding every time I see a baby or a pregnant woman.  There is a deep, empty hole in my soul which was supposed to be filled with loving you and enjoying you.  I hope you are happy my love.  I hope that you have 100's of friends and never spend a day alone.  I hope that Jesus is there to hold you and love you when you are missing your mommy and daddy.  Since I'm not there to take care of you, I can only hope all of your needs are being well met and that you daily know love like our love for you.  I am so so sorry that I cannot be there to take care of you and love on you.  I feel like nothing else in this world matters anymore because you are gone.  I feel like my purpose and my reason for living left this world when you did.  I would give anything to see you smile... to hear you laugh... to hear you say "mommy."  I can't help but feel sorry for myself that I cannot have that with you.

Please guide us my love.  Your daddy and I need you to watch us through every day.  We are having a tough time without you.  Please send some sunshine and good days our way. I love you with everything that I am.