Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, December 31, 2011

A New Year

This year has been the most difficult year I have ever experienced.  Reflecting on all that has happened is completely ripping me apart tonight.  It was difficult to spend Christmas without our little one, when I had pictured her with us so often throughout the pregnancy.  It's difficult to try to wrap my mind around our loss and our emptiness.  And tonight, it is difficult to leave a year filled with the pure joy of expectation of Annalise and the simultaneous extreme pain of loss of Annalise.

The last few weeks I have had moments of pouring out my heart and sobbing for Annalise... just missing her and wishing she were here.  The realization that I will forever have this break in my heart is daunting.  I was thinking about how the loss of my father (when he left us - then when he died) left and huge, damaging hole in my life.  And here I am again, with an even larger hole left when my little girl died.  Life is difficult.  And I know that the difficulties will never cease in this lifetime.  I hold tightly to the knowledge that I will see my little one again, one day, when I leave this world.

My sweet Annalise.  Mommy and daddy miss you more than anything.  My heart is so deeply broken without you here.  I think about you every, single day.  I am so sorry that we didn't have more time with you.  I ache for the memories we could have made.  I pray that you are blissfully content where you are and you know how I deeply and entirely I love you.  I wish you were here to start a new year with us, but I hope you will see nothing but happiness fill our lives in 2012.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

November 28th

Annalise's given due date was November 28th 2011.  James and I spent that day and several days before in Key West, FL - complimentary of our amazing families.  I dreaded seeing November 28th come around.  I envisioned myself in the deepest darkest despair for days... weeks even.  However, I found myself in very different circumstances.  Monday, November 28th - I awoke peacefully with 2 thoughts on my mind: how was I going to honor Annalise today and many prayers for my friend Meghan who was delivering her daughter (diagnosed with Trisomy 13) that day.  I spent most of the day in the sun, laying by the pool - in awe of the clear blue sky and coconut trees swaying above me in the breeze.  I spent much of the day reflecting on where this entire situation has brought us.  We are different people in so many ways.  Our love and respect for each other is undeniably stronger.  Also, I have never had such a reason to seek answers from God as I have had in this situation.  I sought Him and I found Him, like never before and I will never be the same because of it.  I am at peace with this situation.  Don't get me wrong, it hurts and I long for my baby... but I have a peace that because God is in control and because He loves me so outrageously, that it will all be okay.

James and I had lunch and watched TV at the pool bar that day.  We got into a conversation with the bartender "Billy the Greek" (as his name tag read).  Billy was probably in his early 50's - super nice guy.  We talked to him about his family, where we're from, and what we do.  When he found out James is a pastor, the questions came flooding out of him.  He is Greek Orthodox and began talking about many aspects of religion but mainly about having trouble believing/trusting in God when he sees all the bad in the world that goes on.  -- We shared our story with him and he said the most amazing thing to us.  He said "when I see you around and talk with you, I can see in your eyes that you are genuinely happy - not faking it like I see many people do."  I got tears in my eyes and told him "thank you" and "he has no idea how much that means to me."  Two and a half months ago when I started counseling and my counselor asked me what I wanted to see achieved or changed in my life through these sessions - I told her, "I want my joy and happiness back."  I felt like I had lost it all, but in 3 short months (which feels like 3 years) God has put the pieces (mostly) back together.  So much so that "Billy the Greek" can see our genuine joy.

Thank you Annalise.  Thank you for your life, thank you for your love and thank you for your strength.  We are forever changed because of you.  No matter what happens in this world, I will always have your memory tucked away in a special place in my heart.  You are my first baby - my first love.  I love you and I miss you.