Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

6 months

I can't believe it's been over 6 months since we said goodbye to our little angel.  Don't think that because I've been quiet on here that I've not thought about my daughter every single day since the day I delivered her.  Having this new life growing inside of me only makes the thoughts of Annalise more frequent and more real.  I visited her grave yesterday and spent some time crying over how unfair it is that our first born is buried in the ground.  Don't get me wrong, I cling to the knowledge that she is whole and healed in heaven - it's what gets me through every day.  But there's a side of me that is angry, hurt, and so envious of those that can hold their newborns - alive.  There is no pain more profound than the pain of holding your dead child.  It's unexplainable.

I keep thinking to myself that I am going to be the biggest sobbing mess on the day that this baby is born - alive and healthy - when I can feel his/her life in my arms.  I was robbed of that with Annalise and I pray that this coming birth will bring continued healing for James and me both.

Many days, I still feel lost.  Miranda is still here, but I feel like all the vibrance I once had has dimmed a little.  Maybe it's maturity setting in (haha), or more likely it's just me still healing and still grieving.  Daily I feel like something is missing.  Annalise's death left an actual hole in my life... I feel it all the time.  It's such a strong feeling, I swear it has a life of it's own.  I keep feeling like I need to fill that void with something meaningful - such as writing a book, or starting a foundation... something that would honor and immortalize her memory.  I keep praying and searching for what this is.  I feel like I'm going crazy not knowing what it could be.  I hope I find it soon.  I know one thing for certain and that is I need to fill my life with deeper, more meaningful things all around, because after experiencing what I did some of the normal, regular, frivolous things I used to "enjoy" don't hold the same attraction they used to.