Healing

Last weekend I went to a women's retreat in Indiana.  When I was first asked to go, I was in a really bad place emotionally, so I talked myself out of it and initially said "no."  I thought:  There was no way that I was going to share my feelings and be completely vulnerable with a room full of women who would probably think I'm crazy.  I knew that what I was holding inside was ugly and once the walls that I so carefully put in place came down, there was no turning back and who knew what was going to come out.  However.  The night before going, I got serious in prayer and told God that I needed answers.  I wanted to know:  Why me? Do you not love me? and Is my daughter okay?  I also knew that I had lost trust in God and was holding in major anger toward Him and pretty much any one who was happy - especially those with kids.  So, even though I completely didn't want to, I told Him I would go.  I said "I will go to this thing in hope that you will meet me half way."  I promised myself that I would make every possible effort to seek answers and find healing because I truly didn't want to feel the desperate misery I was feeling.

This women's retreat, which was actually called "an encounter", was designed to "peel away the layers, like an onion, until everything you are harboring is dealt with and you can truly encounter God."  I think I cried so much that I was actually dehydrated for days after.  Everyone there was so genuine and non-judgmental... so completely real.  In my small group when everyone began to share what they were struggling with - I soon found out that 2 of the girls in my group had lost babies (one of them had lost 3 in a row!!!).  Unreal.  It was a comfort to see how those girls have come through those losses and are stronger now.  A lady who I had never met before prayed for me and she prayed the exact phrase that went through my head after Annalise was still-born and the nurses took her to be cleaned up and dressed.  It's the same phrase that was in one of the songs at Annalise's funeral service... and she prayed it over me.  "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning."  I think the use of that phrase, was just one of the many ways in which God showed his love for me that weekend.

It's difficult to describe all the ways God showed up and rewarded my efforts in seeking Him, but I will tell you that after that weekend I have a newly found, deep peace in knowing that God desperately loves me and that my daughter is in perfect peace and love.  God has been more real to me these past several months than He has ever been before in my whole life.  I think the only reason I feel this way is because I actually put aside my doubt, my criticism and my pride and desperately sought God out like I never have before.  He tells us that if we seek Him with our whole hearts, we will find Him.  I needed answers, I needed to know He was there and he cared.  I found that He certainly doesn't disappoint.  I walked away with all my questions answered and with a new found hope.