Persevere sweet momma... persevere.

Four years.  I can't believe it's been four years.  Annalise stays with me always.  Sometimes I see an amazing sunrise or sunset here in Hawaii, then I think of her and smile.  Sometimes while playing in the park with Ava a butterfly will fly circles around us, then I think of her and smile.  Then some days I am just folding laundry or doing dishes and it hits me like a sucker punch in the gut.  I have to winch before the tears come uncontrollably.  Memories of my mom dressing her first grand baby in the outfit she will be buried in. The realization that she would be a spunky four year old, running circles around me right now.  I weep for all that was lost.

In these last four years James and I have been through highs and lows.  We have had revelations and victories in our personal lives and in our marriage.  We have matured... emotionally and spiritually like never before.  I have come to realize that all of this is because of our perseverance in the face of pain.

I read a bible verse two nights ago that hit me like a freight train.  I've read this verse before, but never has it struck such a chord of realization.  Two nights ago I realized why I feel stronger today, why our marriage has grown, why I'm a better mom and a better, wiser person.  It's because of this verse:

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Losing Annalise was undoubtedly the biggest trial of my life and tested my faith more than anything imaginable.  But I had a choice.  I could let this trial destroy me or I could persevere!!!  I'd like to think of myself as a fighter and that's what I've been doing... FIGHTING!  It's exhausting, but I've been fighting these last four years to be better, not bitter.

I never realized that this verse applied to me until two nights ago.  Then it just clicked as to why I feel stronger, more mature, more aware of myself and more confident than ever.  My perseverance is producing maturity and a sense of completeness in me.  How on earth could completeness have been born out of something that shattered my heart and my life into a million pieces?!  I don't know.  But I know God is good and he put me back together better than I was before, without me even realizing he was doing it.

Thank you God.
Thank you Annalise.

To all those mommas out there that are at the beginning of this journey.  I hope I can encourage you with these words.  I know you feel like your heart is shattered right now but I want you to FIGHT momma!  Persevere toward a brighter day.  I know that my daughter is smiling on her momma today because I did not quit when I felt like that black hole would just suck me down.  I fought for my family and I fought for myself.

Remembering and honoring our sweet girl who was stillborn at 26 weeks.