The fog in my brain

Today was my first day back at work. I only scheduled 5 client sessions (1 hour each). It was good to see everyone again. They were all sensitive and amazing and we didn't even talk about the baby and the pregnancy very much - which was also nice because it has been the only thing consuming my mind for the past 2 months since finding out the diagnosis.  However I felt like I walked around today with my head in a fog. It was similar to the day we found out Annalise's fatal diagnosis or the day we were planning the funeral. Those days I sort of just robotically functioned as if I wasn't in my own life and I was just performing the motions I knew I needed to perform. Well, I got through today not feeling like my normal self and then at the end of the day I just sat down in my car and cried. I cried all the way to the cemetery then sat at her graveside and cried. I finally yelled at God. I finally told Him how wrong I think he is for what has happened. I finally asked him "Where were you?!? Why didn't you show up?!? Why didn't you heal her?!?" I know it's not Gods fault, but I just was so desperately longing for my loving heavenly father to fix everything and make it all perfect for our family. Now I'm just left wondering what great is going to come of this all. What is the purpose for this tragedy?

After putting a fresh bed of mulch around the lilies on her grave, I left to pick up a few items at the store. I swear, today I felt like everywhere I went, people were looking at me as if I were wearing a sticker on my forehead that said "My baby just died." James always says I wear my exact emotions all over my face. So if I looked on the outside anything like what I felt on the inside - I'm sure it was well worth staring at. I finally got angry today. I got angry about all the 100's of kids I see everywhere I go. It's like a taunting reminder that my child is never going to be here with me again. I also got angry at so many parents treating their kids so un-lovingly. It makes me mad and it makes me sad to see this. I guess I value parenthood so much more now after what I've lost... maybe before this, I would have been one of those same parents frustrated at their kids. Hopefully I can go forward treating my future children with love and compassion even when they are getting on my last nerve.

In the gym with my clients, I think I was probably trying a little too hard to make everything exactly as it was before. Normal for their sake. I don't want to be a total basket-case freak that cries at every mention of a baby or sad song on the radio, so we can't even make it through a workout. I guess I put my "game face" on today and I figure I will have that game face on out in public until this new natural feels... actually natural. I also let myself get frustrated today at my (muscular) weaknesses lifting weights - forgetting that it's only been three weeks since I delivered a baby. I am rushing it -physically and emotionally. Then I feel guilty for rushing it. Then I beat myself up about what I should be doing differently. Then I just cry. It's a sick roller-coaster that I'm on right now and if you know me, you know that I don't like roller-coasters.

I have no doubt in my mind that this will get easier. I know everyday will become less forced and less terrifying. Then I will feel somewhat like myself again. Somewhat like myself but also very very different. Today was actually much easier than I thought but I really acted like a complete drill-sergeant, ignoring much else. I hope my clients don't think I've lost it. Happy Miranda will be back... soon. Just give me a little time.

On a side note today. I was thinking about how people who don't know God cope with tragedy and severe heart-ache. I know that the Miranda who didn't know God back in the day when my parents split went straight to every bottle of rum and party she could find to escape the pain. I know other's have mentioned along this journey how drugs - especially prescription drugs were a "crutch" they leaned on to get through things. I have also heard God and Christianity flippantly referred to as some peoples' "crutch". Well from my stand point, seeing and knowing the terrible effects alcohol, drugs, etc can have on your life and your families lives, God seems like a much better and more positive "crutch".  When my parents split, I blamed it on God and the last thing I wanted was anything from Him. About 12 years later, after trying everything else, the only thing that won out was Gods love - still waiting there for me even though I cursed Him and told him how much I hated Him. He still waited.

Many of you have told me through e-mail or conversation that I'm so strong or amazing and I write so well. I have to completely attribute that to God. It's not me, because I have never been more weak in my life. I would still be laying in a bed since Friday, August 19th - not able to muster up one ounce of "why do I have to go on."  It's all completely God and I know many of my friends from the past who will read this and think I've totally lost it. And you know what - I think I have. I don't know if you can truly understand the depth of God's love and peace until it's the only thing you have left to cling onto.