Sometimes it amazes me how strong and happy I can be. Then there are times when the sadness creeps in and is completely overwhelming. This is one of those times.
It's indescribably painful to see so many kids and babies all around me every day and to see FaceBook posts about babies and pregnancies when I have a huge, gaping hole in my soul that should be filled with my little daughter. Instead, I have a box. I have a box of mementos and photos and a blanket. I have a blanket with her name on it... but no baby to wrap up in the blanket. God - take this pain away from me. I'm torn with never wanting to forget and never wanting to remember. The remembering brings the tears. The remembering reminds me of what I almost had. The remembering makes me feel like I wasn't worthy enough to be a mother.
Oh Miranda, you are so worthy! You ARE a mother and nothing will ever take that away from you. Your baby might not get to be here with you right now but that doesn't mean that you are not her mother. Not only are you her mother but you are an amazing one at that!
ReplyDeleteMiranda,
ReplyDeleteI was given your blog link from my Aunt at One Hear Two Souls. I have spent the last twenty minutes reading through your blog and letting the tears flow. I am a mother of two little ones. When I hear of another mother who has lost her child, I immediately feel a sear of pain knowing this has to be one of the greatest sufferings a person can experience. I am sure you feel too, that no one can fully understand the depth of that suffering unless you have been through it.
I just wanted to write you a note to tell you that you are not alone in your suffering. I can promise you my prayers throughout this time of suffering. I know only God in his goodness can heal your heart....and he will in time, although the pain may never go away. I am sure he suffers along with you. My cousin who lost her conjoined twins at birth says that know her daughters are her motivation to get to heaven.
I hope you are reminded often, how although your sweet girl cannot be in your arms, you are still her mother, each day and you bringing her into this world has allowed her eternal happiness with our Creator.
Wishing you much peace!
Anna