"Just Smile"

I know I've been quiet for awhile. I've sat here 3 separate times, started writing a blog but then deleted it and walked away. The place I'm in right now emotionally is just so crazy and volatile. One day I could be feeling waaay up! Then the next waaay down. I didn't want to appear to the world to have split-personalities. But writing to you all and knowing that you are all walking this journey with me is so comforting and I don't want to turn my back on this.

Over the last week or so I've just been trying to ease my way back into what I'm calling a "new-normal". I'm trying to do things I enjoy (even though much of the luster is gone from just about everything right now). I am smiling a lot more and finding time to laugh with my husband. I've been trying to go out in public more and more. At first it was very difficult... but it's getting easier every time. The hardest parts are seeing the people at the local grocery, gas station, or sandwich shop - who I've had passing conversations with about my pregnancy - now just completely ignore the issue of my flat tummy like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's for the best though, because what would they say?! Then, how would I react?! Maybe it's for the best. However, I think a part of me just wants everyone to recognize Annalise's life - no matter how much it may hurt me to talk about it - I want to know that she is remembered.

I've also been setting goals for myself. Very small, very slow goals right now. I worked out a bit yesterday (which was a far cry from a regular workout of mine, but I broke a nice lil sweat). I've been cleared by the doctor and I'm slowly able to start doing more physically, which is good. I am a busy body and a very active person. Being back in the gym was very uplifting. I seriously feel alive when I'm working out and helping others to work out. I'm also studying for a personal trainer recertification test - which I take in about 10 days. I'm meeting with a few friends. Life is seeming to slip back to normal very easily. But I have to confess there is an evil little part of me that wants to stay in the misery of 3 weeks ago. I want to wallow in the pain and the missing her. I don't want to heal or let go because I feel like I'd be completely letting go of her. (Sick I know... I'm sure you're all thinking of a therapist to refer me to right now.) But I'm determined not to let those sad feelings get the best of me. I told James yesterday that through my tearful daily prayers, I get the distinct feeling that Annalise wants me to just smile. I keep thinking the words in my head "Just Smile." I don't know if it's just my "always be happy" personality and attitude coming out or if my little girl is actually placing on my heart her desire for me to just be happy. But now my number one goal is to "Just Smile" as often as I can every day.

I don't know if this is bad to confess on here or not, but I will admit that lately the number one desire that has been on my heart is to try again for a baby. However, every one keeps saying "give your body time to heal" but also "give yourself time to mourn Annalise properly." I think that I will always ache for Annalise. I will always miss my 1st baby. It will always hurt to know how motherhood was snatched away from me the first taste I got of it. The way I would emotionally diagnose myself right now is: I'm sad and I'm hurting. I miss her tremendously. However, I know she's in heaven and loving her life right now. I know she's secure. I need to do for me what I feel will be the most healing. I need to know I can be a mom. I need to know I am capable. I need an outlet to give all this maternal love. Maybe I'm all wrong. But even if I wait 2 years to have another baby - I still think I'll have the same emotional pains - they may have become dull and fallen beneath the surface but I think they'll always be a part of me from now on. I don't think Annalise wants me to hurt. I think she wants us both to be happy. I pray that God will show me (us) the proper timing of His perfect will.