Dear God:

God,
My heart is broken. I feel like there is no strength left in me. The things I used to enjoy so much, now feel hollow. Nothing holds the same passion. I don't have the same passion. I hate feeling like this. I hate this pain we have to go through. People have said to me that I shouldn't ask You why... but the first thought that comes to my mind when I open my eyes in the morning and the pain starts fresh is: WHY?! When I look at my deflated tummy, the only thought I have is: WHY?! When I sit crying in my bed at night, my heart is crying out: WHY?! Help me Lord not to dwell on this because I know this can completely consume me up. This will destroy me if I let it. I want to regain my joy and my passion. I want to be able to go on and laugh and smile for my little girl who is watching me from above. I want to be able to just flip a switch and go on to be okay. I just can't though. I feel incapable of it.

God. I'm only human. At times... my strength fails me. My faith fails me. My mind is weak against the enemies' lies. I need You. I need Your strength. I need Your Grace. I need Your comfort. I need Your love. Please be more near to me than you ever have before. I beg for a comforting sign that my baby is well. That she is happy. I just wish I could see her happy. I miss her every day. I want to hold her every day. Some days I just wish I could be back in that hospital - eternally laying in that bed holding her. Please God... I beg for Your comfort and strength. I can't keep going on feeling this way. This is not honoring to my baby girl - for me to be so ruined. Help me to accept what has happened so that I can move on and heal. Help me to know You still love me deeply, even though this happened to me. Help me not to take on a victim mentality.

I thank You that I am still healthy. Thank You that I can still have babies. I pray for my future child or children. I pray for their health. I pray for their future. I pray that I can be the best parent possible. Help me as I go into future pregnancies to have faith in You. I am already terrified that something bad will happen again. Please completely eliminate those thoughts and lies from my mind.

God, most importantly - so that we can move on to our future - please show us what is next. What you have in store for us. What can we do for You with this situation? How can Annalise's life honor You and impact the world? What is my role in Your bigger picture? Please reveal this to me and help me not to be so self-consumed that I miss it.

-Miranda