One Day at a Time

I think Annalise would be proud of us. Every single day it hurts, but every single day we are taking steps forward. There have been parts of this journey that I told myself I'd never be able to get through - delivering her, having her funeral service, burying her - but somehow I made it through. There are still parts of this journey that terrify me - going out to a restaurant and seeing kids, making small talk with friends, waking up everyday and facing life... but I do it. I meet each day head-on, knowing that the pain could be great, and I make it through. Each terrifying step that I conquer brings me closer to healing.

I know with all that I am that my baby girl is safe in the arms of God. She is happy and I don't have to cry for her. But, I think the hardest part to let go is - I built up in my mind a beautiful picture full of dreams and expectations of what life would look like after November 28th 2011. Now all of that is gone... and I'm left with empty hands, shattered dreams, and a broken heart. Now I have to deal with transforming that picture and accepting what my new reality is... and that... is difficult. In place of our home being filled with cries of a new baby it is filled with dozens of sympathy cards, small tokens given to us by friends, family and the hospital, and the smell of dozens of lilies. These things are beautiful, but seeing them every day only reminds me of the large void that is in my soul and the lingering pain that creeps up and becomes overwhelming at random times. Someone very dear told me to get through every difficult day by setting small goals and accomplishing these goals daily or weekly. As a personal trainer I absolutely love this and this is how I'm going to approach the next few months. 

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have supported us and loved on us during this time - you have made such a difference in our journey. It is so good to know that we are loved and prayed for. Thank you to all of you that have shared with me how Annalise has touched your lives... this means more to me than you could ever know. That is what I want to hear. I want to know that my baby girl made a difference - even if it is small - in others' lives. Thank you to those who mourned with us at her funeral. You are all now family to our little angel.