Monday July 11th 2011

I have hesitated for weeks to start a blog, even though several friends have urged me to. I think maybe until now my mind hasn't been clear enough to articulate my emotions to the rest of the world. However, I realize now how much other women's blogs have helped me through these last few weeks and I also want to be able to have that opportunity to help other women in my situation. So here it goes... I'm about 4 weeks behind from the day we found out - so I promise I won't unload 4 weeks of emotions on you all at once.

On Monday July 11th we were scheduled for our 20 week ultrasound - all I could think was "Today we find out if we're having a boy or a girl!" I was excited, nervous, and anxious while waiting to be called back for our appointment. On the screen we saw an energetic and beautiful baby - moving and squirming like crazy! I think we had both been expecting (or maybe just hoping) for a boy, so when the nurse told us it was a girl - it took a couple minutes for that news to sink in - but after it did we were thrilled! The nurse left the room and we immediately called our parents to tell them it was a girl! We sat there talking about all the amazing things having a baby girl in our lives would mean - James already planning for her future wedding.. haha! About 15 minutes later the nurse and the doctor walked back into the room. They were very quiet and had very grave looks on their faces. I think I was still on cloud 9 so I didn't really pay much mind to it, but James was immediately concerned. The doctor told me she just wanted to take another look. After about 10 mins she turned to me and said the words that shattered my world: "There's no easy way to say this, but I see some genetic abnormalities which I'm very concerned about." She said a few other things but all I remember was it felt like time froze and like someone had just slapped me across the face. I was in shock. My mind was blank. I didn't know what to think. I put my arm over my face as her words replayed over in my mind and the nurse wiped the gel off my belly. I remember everyone looking at me for a response. I stood up and walked to the corner of the room where James was sitting and just started weeping. James' face was filled with the same shock, but also concern for me as he hugged me. The nurse and the doctor left the room to "give us a minute" and I ran to the sink and started dry heaving. I felt completely hopeless and terrified. I think at that point 1,000 thoughts and questions started going through my head. The doctor sat us down in her office and began to explain what she saw: lagging development of several parts of the brain, and kidneys; 2 large holes in the heart; a herniated diaphragm, causing the stomach to crowd the lungs; poor lung development; and developmental issues with the hands and feet. She said with all that is wrong, there are most likely deeper cellular issues that they can't even see. She told us termination of the pregnancy was an option. We both immediately and fervently declined that option. This is our child and we are not going to murder this precious life! I couldn't believe everything I was hearing. I never dreamed anything like this could ever touch us - we are young, healthy and have no family history of genetic abnormalities! Of course I tried to blame myself - searching for things I must have done wrong, but the doctor reassured us there was nothing we did or could have done differently. Genetic abnormalities occur because of a "random and incorrect shuffling of genes that happens at conception." This explanation was some comfort, but not much. For weeks I continued to blame myself in any way I could think of. I told myself over and over that I was broken in some way - that I was an inferior woman because I can't carry a healthy, whole life inside of me. I have dealt with a lot of self-blame in the last 4 weeks. It is wrong, but it is a personality flaw of mine and Satan always uses our weak areas to attack us and bring us down. He hasn't brought me down yet! I know that the One who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 Jn 4:4).  I am learning to accept that God is in control, no matter what.

We left the doctor's office after about 2 1/2 hours of questions and tears. We were exhausted. When we made it home all we could do is lay in bed, pray, cry, hold each other, and fall to sleep. That day, the most insane summer storm rose up out of a gorgeous sunny day - thunder storms, wind, hail, and torrential rain. We said we will never forget that storm because it was like God was hurting and crying right along with us. Over the next few entries, I hope to show how God has been (and continues to be) so close to us in this situation. Our church family has truly been the arms of God, coming around us in such an awful time. We are learning to love our sweet precious baby girl more and more every day - honoring this time we have with her. There is pain every day, but there are beautiful moments as well - we just have to choose to see them and choose to enjoy them. James said that to him, Monday July 11th was the day our baby girl was born. That day we named her Annalise Lilly. Annalise means - God's favor and grace. Lilly is my middle name and also the name of my great grandmother who everyone said was as close to an angel as a human could be. She passed away early in life. We love and treasure our Annalise Lilly... Our Precious Miracle.