People warned me of this... they called it the "anti-climax" and said it would happen after the hustle and bustle of delivery and funeral planning etc etc. Today the best way to describe how I feel is numb. Numb and hollow. There is a physical yearning for something more. Something is missing... someone is missing.
The funeral was beautiful - every aspect. The music, the flowers, the sermon, the food, the tons of people that came... just perfect. I know my little angel was happy to see how many people were loving on and supporting us and showing love for her in so many ways. When I walked into that sanctuary the amazing smell of lilies made me smile and think of my baby. Then I saw the tiny little casket and I felt like someone had kicked me in my stomach. I fell to my knees and wept. This is not what we planned. This is not what we envisioned for our daughter. I kept having flashes go through my mind of the mothers being wheeled out of Miami Valley Hospital on Thursday night with their beautiful babies in their laps, as I was being wheeled in to have my dead baby delivered and placed in a casket. I can't sugar coat it in anyway - THIS PAIN IS SUFFOCATING. I also hate to see my husband suffering and crying at his daughter's funeral. It's all unbearable. I don't know how we're facing all of this and still standing. I don't know how to act right now or what to think. I'm putting expectations on myself as to how I should be feeling or what I should be doing - should I be smiling with others? Should I be going out it public? Should I be sitting around the house all day? Should I be going back to work asap? I don't even know if this is something I can ever get over - can I ever function in normal society again? Right now I feel like the answer is "no."
At the burial site when they dismissed us to go back to enjoy the meal all I could think as the funeral director was talking was "I don't want to go, I want to stay here with her forever. I have to hold her again... just one more time." So I fell on my knees and put my arms around the casket, laying my head on it, leaving lipstick-kisses for my baby girl. Then I got up and I walked away with the teddy bear my brother bought for Annalise. I don't know how I stood up from that place or how I put one foot in front of the other. I don't know how I have the fortitude to be sitting here writing this right now or eating 3 meals a day. My body feels like the life and the fun are completely gone. I told my husband that my tearful prayer to God this morning on my back patio with my coffee was "Please God don't let me forget how to live, how to have joy, how to have fun and laugh. Don't let me become a depressed and destroyed person."
I can hear all the answers and the wise words playing in my head as to the smart and right things to do - they're there. I know them all. I just don't know if - right now - I have the strength to stand firm and live them. And I think that's okay... for a time. It's okay.
Annalise - You're mommy is in agony without you here. I miss you my dear sweet angel. Guide your mommy on a path of healing. I need you to guide me.
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