Living in a Nightmare

Over the next 2 weeks, as our minds tried to absorb all that we had heard, we said that it felt like we were living in a nightmare. I mean, this was really the stuff of nightmares - no doubt about it. We had times of denial, disbelief, anger, and deep, overwhelming sadness. The greatest thing is that we carried each other. It always seemed to happen that when one of us was down the other was strong and vice versa. We took turns on the emotional roller-coaster.

Later than same week, we scheduled an amniocentesis. To prepare us, the doctors told us they thought it looked like Trisomy 18 from the ultrasound, but the preliminarily results came by phone call the following Monday afternoon. Our very calm and kind genetic counselor informed us that it was Trisomy 13, which she said is "a very poor diagnosis." After receiving those results I spent 10 mins in the bathroom throwing up (my first time since being pregnant). Doctors were less kind than the counselor and told us the raw details: There is a 90% chance that she will not survive to birth and only a maximum of 7 days survival if she is born. We were told many things, one of which was to consider funeral plans. How do expectant parents deal with that information!? We are supposed to be planning the nursery or a baby shower - NOT a funeral!!! I couldn't stand to go into the doctors' office and hear all this news every time - it was like taking a beating that hurt for days afterward. So I asked them to make our appointments only as necessary. This way, I can concentrate on the happy aspects at home and enjoy our baby girl as long as I have her, instead of constantly being reminded by the medical world that she is going to die.

I thank God every day for this amazing little life kicking inside of me. I tell her all the time that she is changing my life and changing me for the better. I am becoming a stronger person, a better mother, and a better Christian - all because of her. I feel so guilty because she has given me so much already and I can't help her at all. I can just sit here, helpless, and wait for her to pass away. That feeling is unbelievably awful. I do what I can do and that is PRAY hard every day. I know from other experiences in my life that God causes all things to work out for good - He truly does. And I know he has great plans for us and for Annalise. I just have to trust... which is SO difficult in a time like this. I am used to taking the reigns and controlling (just ask my husband!) but am being broken down of many bad habits here.

I thank God for our church. They have been praying, supporting, and cooking amazing meals for us! What a family they have been - especially when our families are so far away. This is what life should look like. The way they have come around us in this time of need makes me so happy to be a Christian and to have my faith. I don't know how people can get through situations like this without faith. Without God. I just don't know.