Funeral Home and Cemetery

I've been sitting here with my head in my hands thinking "what do I write about today?" The only words that come to mind are: painful, unfair, awful, horrific. I know we're not the only parents out there who have had to deal with losing a child - we can see that from all the grave stones in "baby land" - but the pain is mind numbing none the less.

We met with the funeral director and our caregiving pastor today to discuss all the details of what a funeral and burial would look like. I think through parts of it, I was just removed and robotic - answering questions like they were questions about someone else's life. Then some things are said and it all comes at you like a ton of bricks and hits you that this is about YOU. This is about YOUR BABY. James, being a pastor, was contemplating doing the funeral. Pastor Libby sweetly advised against that and said "maybe you could just do the grave side dedication of your daughter back to the hands of God." I don't know why but that was one of the things that just broke me. I'm not ready to give her back to God! I mean, I know He'll take better care of her than we could ever dream of doing but I don't wanna give her back... not yet.

We made it through that meeting and decided to take a look at the cemetery suggested by the funeral director, which is located close to the church. We went out to "baby land" and couldn't believe how grown over and neglected it looked. Small grave tiles were marking the graves and most of the tiles were grown over with weeds and grass! Old silk flowers, flags and trinkets were all around making the place look trashed! We both lost it a little out there. It's so difficult to imagine her buried and her grave stone grown over - gone and forgotten.  I know as a Christian that she will not be in that box in the ground, but in heaven. However we still want to honor her memory and nothing about that grave site was honoring to us. Like James said "this is the one act we are going to get to do for her on this earth - it has to be great." I am married to the most amazing man, and he is the most amazing father. There are things that he said today that broke my heart for him on such deep levels. He said he was wanting it to be that cemetery because he could leave church and have his lunch with his daughter - he could have the daddy-daughter dates that he's been dreaming about. I love him with my whole heart and my heart is so broken for me but it's also so broken for him. I hate that we have to hurt like this.

I pray with everything inside of me that God's will is to heal her. I pray that all of these plans we spent the day crying over will be unnecessary. Either way... I know through this situation we will be forever changed.