Wednesday, August 17th we found out at the doctor's office that our sweet little girl had passed. Going into the appointment I had a pretty strong gut-feeling that was the case, so as soon as we got there I asked the receptionist if we could please go straight back to a room. Surprisingly, James and I sat back there making playful nervous jokes toward each other and smiling and loving each other. Dr Guy did an ultrasound and as soon as he put it on my belly and she popped up on the screen I turned my head away and said "yeah, that's not our same active little girl." Dr hung his head and said, "no...". He showed us her chest cavity where the heartbeat should be, but there was no movement at all. Tears were pouring out the corners of my eyes but I strangely felt a peace and said out loud, "She is in the arms of her heavenly Father." Dr. Guy was kind, sweet, amazing... and answered all our questions about what happens next. We sat in the room for awhile after he left, just weeping together.
We surprisingly held it together to quickly get many things in motion by phone call - the funeral, our parents' flights, photos, obituary, cemetery arrangements. We got it all done. We were given the option to go into the hospital Thursday night for them to start the process of inducing me. They said it could take 12 hours or longer (grrrreat!). As soon as we found out our moms were on planes, we made the appointment.
We arrived at Miami Valley Hospital and I was terrified and nervous. However, everyone there was simply amazing and made me feel very comfortable and made sure our family was very comfortable in the large, private room we had. James now even gets teared up talking about how perfect and special they made such an awful situation. Dr Guy was there with his calm and steady spirit and our nurse, Tracy, was a complete god-send. At about 8pm they were getting ready to give me medicine to start the process of labor but before we began Dr Guy asked if he could pray for us. I told him, "Yes Please!" and everyone gathered around my bed and prayed. I was terrified and my emotions were everywhere so about 30 mins after I got the medicine I began shaking uncontrollably. (In college, shortly after 9/11, I developed anxiety issues and this was not the first time a scenario like this has happened to me. It brought James and me back to memories of him sitting over my bed in the ER just months into our dating relationship and I had an attack on one of our dates - can you say embarrassing? :-) ) Dr Guy said it could also be due to the medicine and the effect it was having on my body. Seemed logical because the shakes came whenever they would give me a large dose of new medicine. My family and James were all there coaching me through the anxiety and nervousness. I had an amazing support system and James was the most loving, caring, attentive, and thoughtful man all night. Gradually, the process of dilation began and soon the contractions came along... woah! I had been told to be thinking about what kind of pain control I want - if any. My mom was recommending trying it without the pain meds because that's how she did it. About 10 mins later I told her she was crazy and called in for an epidural! That process was surprisingly not that bad - probably because I had my strong man there literally, physically supporting me. Once they turned that drip on and my legs started to lose feeling I felt waaaay better! I actually loved the epidural! I started becoming my usual ridiculous self and making jokes - asking for food, talking about every fattening food under the sun and after they told me they didn't want me eating much other than popsicles or jello I asked Tracy if she could liquefy a cheeseburger and just put it in my drip. Everyone liked that one. After that we all were able to sleep and I was out like a light! Tracy periodically checked my vitals and how dilation was coming along. At about 5:45am Tracy woke me up to turn me and when she did I told her I felt a lot of pressure. She checked me out and said to James, "Wake up, you're going to have a baby now." Dr Guy got there and 3 simple pushes later our little tiny angel was here.
This was the point of the night I was terrified for. They wrapped all 14.8 ounces of her in a tiny blanket and handed her to me. She was so tiny she didn't even look real. Her skin was a very pinkish red color with a slight bruising coloration. Her face was perfect and all her little features were so beautiful. James and I keep saying we will never forget that face. Her eyes were closed and her sweet little mouth was hanging slightly open. Her perfect little nose was definitely her daddy's nose!! She had all her beautiful little fingers and toes - with nails!! I loved her little finger and toe nails! I couldn't believe how someone so tiny could be making those huge kicks in my belly! I just soaked her in with James at my right side. Everyone was watching me and I felt really weird for a moment but I just let myself get lost in her features. I was weeping telling her over and over how sorry I was. I just kept saying "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." I knew she was in a better place and "sorry" wasn't necessary but I just felt like maybe I had failed her in some way so I said "I'm sorry."
I spent hours holding her, saying prayers over her, talking to her, and watching James hold her and love on her. It was so touching to watch him. He's so gentle and loving - he's such a good dad. We both have seen each other in such a different light throughout this experience and we have gotten so much closer because of it. The nurses dressed her in a tiny little dress and hat that another mother had made and supplied to the hospital for situations like this (amazing). They took hand and foot molds (which was very difficult because she was so fragile), hand and foot ink prints - with James snapping photos all the while. It was an amazing family time moment for everyone - completely honoring our little girl. The professional photographer arrived and got some amazing shots. Soon after the photographer finished we realized all the passing around of her tiny, fragile little body was taking its toll on her and she was starting to bleed and her skin to tear -- completely awful and heart wrenching!! I asked if we could stop it all and let her lay in her little bed because I didn't want to see her that way - basically breaking down and bleeding. Everyone agreed and we set her down in the gorgeous (but too big) outfit my mom bought for her - using it more as a blanket to wrap her in. She looked so peaceful in her little bed wrapped up in her flowery outfit and her sweet tiny mouth hanging open. I always smile when I think of that tiny mouth hanging open like she was snoring. We love our little girl. We will love her forever.
Soon the funeral director came to pick her up and brought a black leather box with a small white bed in it. He asked if I wanted to place her in it or if I wanted him to. I said I would do it but as soon as I did pain and tears came to the surface. I could hardly breathe. Everyone was there for me and we sat and cried. My heart just about fails in my chest when I think about her in that black box. My mom said, "Miranda, she's not in that box - she's in heaven." I know... I know. But it's difficult to see that when all I see is a black box with my angel in it. I miss you Annalise. Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you so so so much. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to love like we never thought possible and to learn things we never would have without you in our lives. You have changed us and so many others. Your life was so important and so amazing. We will see you again soon...
~Annalise Lilly Oldham~
Born Into Heaven: August 19th 2011
Time: 5:46 am.
Weight: 14.8 oz.
Length: 11 in.
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